Scoffing at all that's holy since 2004 GODSPEAK Godspeak seeks to explain the way theists communicate by stripping an observed comment down to its most basic real meaning.  Each comment is categorized and rated on one or more of the following: stupidity, delusion, cowardice, weakness, and crankiness.  All ratings are measured on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most offensive. Sermon 10: "Family Values" Source: Overheard through various public media venues. What they say [paraphrased]: "...blah blah blah...bring us back to traditional family values...blah blah blah..." What they really mean: "...blah blah blah...follow Christian moral and behavioral codes...blah blah blah..." Category: Level-5 Hidden Christian Agenda Ratings: Stupidity (8)     Delusion (8)     Cowardice (7)     Weakness (5)     Crankiness (10) Post Mortem: I've asked this question countless times over the years and no one has ever been able to answer it with anything other than a topic-changing obfuscation or some vague, non-specific, double-talk. What specifically are these [making quote fingers] "family values" that some people [read: Christians] are always squawking about?  For some crazy reason they never seem to qualify exactly what "family values" means.  Oddly, it's the same response you get when you ask about their crusade to "protect the sanctity of marriage," but I digress. I'm curious, what about single people?  You know, people with no family (i.e. spouse and/or kids).  Or how about people who literally have no living family at all?  Do these "family" values apply to them, or are they off the hook so to speak? The bottom line is that "family" has nothing to do with it.  They call them "family values" because they seem to think it lends importance and gives credence to the underlying agenda.  "Family" means that there are children, and let's face it, children strike an emotional chord with people.  Children are weak and vulnerable and they must be protected at all costs.  But this is just a bullshit subterfuge.  The phrase "family values" is nothing more than a marketing ploy.  What these people mean to convey is that they want these [read: their] values to apply to everyone, with or without a family. But still, whose values are these?  They're clearly not "family" values, but we still need a modifier.  And what specifically are these values?  No one ever gives specific examples to sell their case.  (And we all know why.) So since no one else is willing to go on record, I'll just have to do it myself.  What they really mean is "Christian values" and here are some specific examples: Accepting Jesus as your personal lord and savior, fearing god, observing the sabbath, praying (in public), not mocking god, not killing, saving fetuses from godless abortionists, not stealing, not deceiving, not fucking someone of your own gender, fucking one and only one person of the opposite gender...for life...but only after you marry...and not lusting after anyone else...ever, giving money to the church, denying evolution, getting prayer in public schools, demonizing atheists, slaying demons, evangelizing and getting everyone else to do likewise, and claiming to have fallen short of the glory of god when you commit any of the aforementioned. Sermon 9: Until Excuse Do Us Part Source: A question posted on the Yahoo Answers Religion & Spirituality forum. What she said [unedited]: "If God is FAIR, why did the Almighty present a former flame to me while I'm married? I am (supposedly) happily married. Have been for 9 years. A couple of months ago, by surprise and by chance I had the opportunity to reunite with a former love that I had not seen in more than 15 years. Anyway, we reunite and "boom" fireworks/old feelings pour in again. Eventually, about 1 a month we would have innocent lunches and meetings. (No kissing or touching) just respectable friends. By all this time, feelings grow DEEPER! Deep to a point that he wants to start new life with me in another state. As crazy in love I feel, I'd love to go. I want to follow my heart. I am convinced that I've always been in love, still will be in love and will never forget this guy. (Of course is this fair to my husband) Anyway, I am wondering if GOD knew my situation, why did GOD presented this former flame to me? This is eating my heart ALIVE. I'm so broken-hearted. I can't stand it. Can someone please help?" Click here to see the actual posting. What she really meant: "I've been married for 9 years, I'm no longer in love, and I want out.  I'm pretending to believe that GOD wants me to be with a former love of mine for some reason that I can't figure out or understand.  Can someone tell me what that reason is so I convince myself that GOD wants me to cheat (or bail) on my spouse and not feel so bad about what I know I'm going to do anyway?" Category: Disingenuous Christian Bullshit (a.k.a. Liar-Liar Sack of Poopy Pants on Fire and Brimstone) Ratings: Stupidity (8)     Delusion (10)     Cowardice (10)     Weakness (10)     Crankiness (5) Post Mortem: Take note of her odd use of CAPITAL LETTERS for key rationalizing words.  She capitalizes "GOD" twice to stress that this is what he wants for her: "I am wondering if GOD knew my situation, why did GOD presented this former flame to me?" But here's the most offensive part.  She capitalizes "FAIR" when she talks about the way she wants god to treat her: "If God is FAIR, why did the Almighty present a former flame to me while I'm married?" But then she switches to lowercase when talking about what's "fair" to her husband: "Of course is this fair to my husband."  [I believe she meant "...this isn't fair to my husband."] Sermon 8: I'm Rubber and You're Glue Source: An email sent in response to Godless Bastard's Spam-a-Fundy notification. This is how it works.  You send an email with the address of that special bible-puncher in your life and they receive the following email via an automated process: Someone you know submitted your email address to this auto-generated notification request. It has recently come to my attention that you are a deeply disturbed, religiously deluded person.  Only a moron would believe that god is real, and as such I am genuinely concerned about your intellectual well-being.  It is of critical importance that you know about GodlessBastard.com.  Do you want to spend the rest of your pathetic existence wallowing in clinical delusion, cowardice, weakness, gullibility, and general intellectual inferiority?  Well, you’re doomed to do so unless someone shakes coherence into your malfunctioning gray matter.  And I'm here to help do just that. I suggest you start reading my website immediately and forward it to all of the other delusional god-believing people in your life. And ask yourself, why be born again when you can just grow up? ~The Godless Bastard Someone submitted Richie Madeira's email address and it prompted the following response: What he said [unedited]: "only a fool will not believe in god.who told the ocean u can only cum this far and who told the sun when to rise in the mourning.and how did world come into existence who made animals and who made humans u tell me anytrhing but i kno its god my god JESUS CHRIST who rose from the dead and will reign forever more and he will judge people like you so if i was you i would start going to church and learning about god and its not pathetic to be a christian who is it pathetic to be the children of a king? as far as i see you are blind and you are the moron.!!!!" What he really meant: "You implied that I'm a moron and it struck a nerve, so I'm calling you a moron back.  In your face asshole!" Category: Knee-Jerk Defense Mechanism Ratings: Stupidity (8)     Delusion (9)     Cowardice (9)     Weakness (10)     Crankiness (10) Post Mortem: I can make my peace with the knee-jerky nature of Richie's response.  While his faithlessness is proved by this stunning act of self-incrimination, it's his abysmal spelling, grammar, and 78 word run-on sentence that scare the crap out of me.  Such proof of religious insecurity always puts a smile on my face.  And his "who told the ocean u can cum this far..." qualifies as the creepiest Christian comeback I've ever received.  For a moment I thought Richie was sending me an excerpt from a bad porno script. Mr. Madeira may be reached here for feedback. Sermon 7: The Coward's Excuse Source: A religious regurgitation of someone else's Facebook posting by a former coworker.  (Her prior work is featured here.) What she said [unedited]: "...we must not let things we cannot control have power over us because our worry & pain will only hender [sic] our spirit.  Things will always happen but let the Lord be your guide, through all things & know that 'IT IS A SET UP' for your blessings in the future.  Stay faithful & strong in the Lord & b...e [sic] in your word daily, He will guide you through all things" Click here to see the actual posting. What she really meant: "I am emotionally weak and incapable of accepting any unpleasantness in life, and I refuse to accept any responsibility for my inability to deal with such unpleasantness by claiming lack of control.  I must delude myself into believing that god lays down the shit in life as a set up for some future reward for those who remain faithful.  I am a coward and believe that god will reward me for it." Category: Straw-Grasping Defense Mechanism Ratings: Stupidity (9)     Delusion (9)     Cowardice (10)     Weakness (10)     Crankiness (3) Sermon 6: Cherry Picking (Part II) Source: From an email exchange with a cherry-picking Christian.  Read this story first. What she said [unedited]: "...nobody's a saint!!! Only God is perfect." What she really meant: "I don't like the rules of my religion, the one that I preach about and shove in your face, so I knowingly, intentionally break those rules when I see fit for personal gain and pleasure and then plead guilty to being a fallible human who has fallen short of the glory of god.  But since I am saved I get to escape the punishment that you (the unsaved) will endure for eternity.  I am a hypocrite but refuse to admit it." Category: Agitated Subterfuge Ratings: Stupidity (7)     Delusion (8)     Cowardice (3)     Weakness (6)     Crankiness (9) Sermon 5: Incoherent Babble Source: A YouTube text response by user Dovewings777. What he said [unedited]: "Our Creator is the Potter and we are the clay pots created by the Potter.  The Potter has always been the Potter and always will be and [is] outside of our comprehensions and outside of time." What he really meant: "The god that I want so desperately to exist can neither be proved or directly observed, so I'll just state as fact that he is eternal and exists outside our physical realm of space and time.  Oh yeah, plus I think pottery is really kewl.  God bless." Category: Delusional Masturbation Ratings: Stupidity (8)     Delusion (10)     Cowardice (3)     Weakness (8)     Crankiness (3) Sermon 4: Transference Source: An email from an acquaintance whose life hasn't turned out quite the way she planned.  Let's call her "Wacko." A friend of mine (we'll call her "Julie") fell upon hard times and her fashion business collapsed.  Near financial ruin and in desperate need of income, I sent out a distress call to my network of friends and colleagues to help her find a job.  I included Wacko's email address by mistake.  She wasn't fit to assist in any way. Wacko (who I'm guessing is in her late 40's, maybe 50-ish) has an imaginary multi-faceted career for which she strives daily to maintain a facade.  She masquerades as a musician (one album in 20 years, having no discernable label, for sale only on her website for $10), photographer (with no clients but several stripperish self-portraits that are easily 20 years old), author (of some vague, unnamed political coffee table book that can't be traced anywhere), and "pop art" artist (whose work is not for sale anywhere that I can find).  Her website drops a few big names with whom she allegedly worked, but given that her top "review" is by an unknown DJ at a tiny student-run college radio station in Maine, I'm inclined to dismiss them all as lie or gross exaggeration.  In the mind of someone trying to manufacture a celebrity collaboration, the words "worked with" probably mean "was in the same room as." At any rate, to fulfill Wacko's need for self-worth, self-validation, and further the delusion of having a working, growing, and successful career, she proceeded to interrogate me about Julie's qualifications and intentions to keep any job that came her way -- her valid implication being that a personal in dire financial straits will take any job out of desperation and then bail when a better opportunity comes along. Wacko wanted to make sure that she didn't recommend Julie to her network of business partners (i.e. no one) unless she passed the scrutiny of her evaluation.  Wacko claimed to know someone who might hire Julie, and this individual was someone she was going to hire someday for her own company.  Wacko didn't want to blindly stick her neck out for some stranger.  Ordinarily, this would be a reasonable and prudent course of action, but Wacko has no company (except but for in her mind) and is in dire need of career advice herself. Anyway, another friend found Julie a really awesome job in just three days.  And as luck would have it, it turned out to be anything but a desperation job.  It was in her industry and perfectly aligned with her career plan. What she said [unedited]: "Congratulations! I am very happy for her - I know that people were trying their best to help out a soul in need - def sounded like she was not far from being on the street - There are alot of people in dire straights right now who are willing to do anything at this point to keep a roof over their heads - I love the story of the CEO delivering pizza to protect his family - It is that exact humble and grateful attitude to rebuild his life that secured his success in the first place - just get 'er done - now that's a real cowboy - Like I said there is no doubt in my mind that Julie's clothing line will do well - there is no expiration date on talent - and she will succeed - it's terrific that God blessed her with such a great gig." What she really meant: "Julie reminds me of myself and God will do for me what he did for her at a time and place of his choosing." Category: Delusional Masturbation Ratings: Stupidity (9)     Delusion (10)     Cowardice (3)     Weakness (5)     Crankiness (3) Post Mortem: Wacko was clearly talking about herself.  She constantly touts her Canadian ranch upbringing, which is reflected in her "...just get 'er done - now that's a real cowboy."  But all that aside, according to Wacko, god allowed Julie's business to suddenly implode putting her in profound and immanent danger of losing her home...but he "blessed her with such a great gig" just in the nick of time to avoid disaster.  God: the cure for a problem of its own creation. On a side note, while it's generally (but not necessarily) true that "there is no expiration date on talent" there is most definitely an expiration date on public interest.  There is also no expiration date on delusion, apparently. Sermon 3: The Failed Coward's Mantra Source: Overheard at the gym by a religiously tattooed numbskull who we'll call Meathead.  His friend, let's call him Asshat, was complaining about how and why his "fuckin' wife" [exact words] left him -- for mostly unintelligible reasons (i.e. "the bitch said this, the bitch said that").  But despite all the drama and accusation, he wanted Bitch to stay.  But Bitch had other plans and poor Asshat didn't get what he wanted.  Boo frickin' hoo. What follows was Meathead's mind-numbingly stupid rationalization for his friend. What he said [paraphrased]: "You should be thankful for all of what you didn't get in life.  You think you know what's best for you and your life plan?  You don't know shit, and this was just god's way of proving it." What he really meant: "Things didn't turn out quite the way you planned, and that sucks.  But it's easier and infinitely less painful to believe that some imaginary sky daddy is looking out for you and deciding what's in your best interests than it is to admit that either (a) you fucked up and have no one to blame but yourself, (b) you didn't have luck or good timing on your side, or (c) someone else's needs, desires, and control decided that you're just not entitled to or deserving of that thing you wanted but didn't get.  Sucks to be you, dude." Category: Mind-Numbingly Stupid Rationalization Ratings: Stupidity (6)     Delusion (9)     Cowardice (10)     Weakness (8)     Crankiness (4) Post Mortem: This classic Fundamentalist Christian offering is what we in the rational world call the "Failed Coward's Mantra."  Nothing is a clearer example of complete and total absolution of personal accountability.  And I might suggest that you go with option (b) when secretly cursing god.  It's the pill easiest for blame passers to swallow.  (No, it couldn't possibly be anything you did.) Along identical lines, I recently received a Facebook newsfeed from a friend's God Wants You To Know application, spewing the same total absolution/cowardly mindset: "[Member Name] got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it?  God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives.  God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears.  God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards.  What are you most afraid of?  Say it, just start by saying it." In other words, if you get that thing that you desire then god has given you a gift, BUT you get to pat yourself on the back for the achievement and for conquering your fear.  That's praise to the almighty AND self-validation in one!  But if you don't get that thing that you desire then you only failed because it's either god's will (remember, he knows what's best for you), or because you're human and fell short of his glory.  You see, Christians have set up the rules so that they just can't lose.  This is why you can't win when dealing with the Christian mentality. Sermon 2: They're Not Real Christians! Source: From an online chat session with a former co-worker.  I asked her if those who are saved can sin all they want and still avoid hellfire [1].  After her response I asked the question again but cited the specific example of a (saved) Christian who has just raped and murdered a little girl [2]. What she said [unedited]: "They still wouldn't go to hell - unless they renounced their faith." [1] "Someone who is saved wouldn't do such a thing." [2] What she really meant: "I'm a weak, fallible human being and I will no doubt backslide many times throughout my life.  But I'm a hypocrite and have self-serving motives for protecting my salvation at all costs." [1] "Any lucid, rational, clear thinking person KNOWS that no just god would ever spare such an evil person from eternal hellfire because they uttered a few heartfelt words of confession and submission while sending decent, honest people to hell forever because they didn't.  But for me to concede such a patently obvious thing would destroy the very foundation of my dichotomous, hypocritical belief system." [2] Category: Mind-Numbingly Stupid Rationalization Ratings: Stupidity (7)     Delusion (9)     Cowardice (4)     Weakness (6)     Crankiness (3) Sermon 1: Cherry Picking (Part I) Source: A text message from a deadly-force wielding cherry-picking Christian Secret Service agent I know, someone who is responsible for safeguarding the lives of important, powerful people. What she said [paraphrased]: "You spend an awful lot of time thinking about a god that you say doesn't exist.  Seems to me that you're searching for him." What she really meant: "Okay, the cat's out of the bag.  Looks like you figured out that some people need god as a crutch to get through life and have labeled me as one of those weak, sheepish believers.  You think I'm delusional for believing in god and question my relative intelligence, so I'll pretend to not care and try to turn it around and make YOU look like the one who's searching for a crutch.  It will take the focus off me and put you on the defensive." Category: Knee-Jerk Defense Mechanism Ratings: Stupidity (3)     Delusion (5)     Cowardice (5)     Weakness (6)     Crankiness (9) Post Mortem: First, I don't spend any time thinking about "god" -- because he doesn't exist.  You just need to think that I do in order to make such an utterly laughable statement.  (Ironically, it's you who keeps bringing up the subject of god in my presence.  How decidedly convenient AND self-fulfilling!)  But what time I do spend engaged in atheistic endeavors is focused almost entirely on RELIGION and BELIEVERS -- and not the imaginary gods in which they believe.  We may find theists misguided, disturbing and troublesome, but we also find them fascinating and often entertaining. Pay attention, buttercup.  No one watches a car wreck because deep down inside they want to be in the wreck.  They watch because it's a spectacle.  Period.  It's human nature, and there's nothing wrong with that.  This is why car accidents cripple freeways.  Sure, the immobilized cars do slow things down to some extent, but people slow down to look and that's what brings traffic to a grinding halt.  We even have a term for it.  It's called rubbernecking. I rubberneck when Christians impede the flow of my life traffic.  I can't help it.  It's a spectacle worthy of braking. God is imaginary.  Just because I spend any amount of time pondering why people believe in such a patently nonexistent being doesn't mean that I'm trying to "find" him or make him real.  I've watched plenty of Bugs Bunny cartoons in my life and never sought to "find" him either.  All Bugs did was provide some mindless childhood entertainment, much like Christians do for me now as an adult.  The only difference is found in the fact that Bugs Bunny's imaginary existence doesn't threaten anyone's intellectual integrity.  Think about that. Copyright © 2004 The Godless Bastard. All Rights Reserved.