Scoffing at all that's holy since 2004 MOCKING [OTHER INSULTS AND HUMOR] Jesus in Your Face: That's One Holy Mole-y We've seen his face in tree bark, water stains, window smudges, dental x-rays, wax drippings, and even on a greasy grilled cheese sandwich.  But last week, Jeremiah Funk, a 37 year old convenience store night manager from Weehauken, New Jersey, spotted the image of Jesus on Grammy Award winning artist Aaron Neville's face mole.  Once thought to be a misplaced Milk Dud, this dermatologic mishap brings god's message of hope and love to the world. Aw, I'm just kiddin', Aaron.  Bite-size milk chocolate-covered caramel or not, you rock!  ARE YA LAFFIN' BIOTCH? WARNING: He ain't followin' whitey's rules. Handsome fellow, isn't he?  Check out a few of his other appearances:  1  2  3  4 Ann Coulter: I Might Fuck Her if She'd Shut Her God Damn Mouth Looking for the perfect birthday gift for that special political conservative in your life?  Well, I have great idea... Ann Coulter is just another annoying right wing pundit, right?  But I must confess I'm somewhat conflicted.  I can't decide if I'd rather punch this anorexic little snot into coherence or bend her over a stack of bibles and bang her like a cheap gong.  Even the Reverend Al Sharpton wants to nail this sub-rational egregious blonde wacko.  Ann once said, "Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do."  How could you not want to knock a chunk out of this little ray of sunshine? Anyway, I was so inspired by Ms. Coulter's most recent offering, "How To Talk To a Liberal (If You Must)" that I decided to pen one of my own for those of you faced with a similar quandary. So let's say you meet some chick who's really hot.  I mean the kind of hot where you'd nail her right in the middle of Costco while all the customers watch.  But every time she opens her mouth, vile, repulsive, repugnant, revolting, right-wing propaganda spews out like Krakatoa's lava after 120 years of dormancy. No one really wants to bang a conservative, but sometimes you just have to throw caution (and disgust) to the wind and allow yourself to be violated for the sake of short-term sexual pleasure. I know what you're thinking.  How could I possibly enjoy a sexual encounter with someone so logically impaired and morally off-center?  Well, you can if you know the secret, and I'm giving it away for the low price of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling). With the help of my book you'll learn the techniques and trade secrets employed by liberal sex professionals and like-minded horny people in all the red states across the nation.  In just a few days, you'll be able to attain maximum pleasure while balling even the most offensive right-wing nutcase. In the first two chapters I reveal 27 new sexual positions, 12 voice-muffling choke holds, 17 discussion topic subterfuge techniques, and 87 exit strategies to minimize all offending political commentary before, during, and after coitus and other sexual acts that many conservatives would declare illegal in all states except California and certain counties in Alabama. And at under $20, that's a whole lot of BANG for the buck! Here you see Mary Matalin (right) complaining about her husband James Carville's manhood on "Meet The Press."  James says, "I wish I had Andy's book before I married that old crow.  Sex  with Mary is like watching the election returns, and her love-making sounds like a Velociraptor on the attack." Sorry, James.  I wish I could have been there for you, buddy.  But look at the bright side.  Chapter 21 maps out a comprehensive plan for removing the offending appendage and starting over with the likes of Debbie Schlussel or William Kristol.  And it comes with a Lifetime Guarantee! Okay, so this book is just a joke, but feel free to send me the twenty bucks anyway.  I'm not proud. Click here to see Ann's non-sexually repressed side.  And speaking of gettin' crazy, what do you get when a Rebbe goes postal?  You get... Chassidim Gone Wild!     Hussein vs. Sheen: Quién Consigue Más Pussy? Okay, now pay attention kids.  I'm gonna teach you all about Islam.  (If you think I'm making any of this up, check it out for yourself.)   The Holy Qur'an promises you 72 virgins (known as "Houri") in heaven when you die.  Contrary to common belief, you don't have to die a martyr for the cause to get all that hooch.  All you have to do is just believe the bullshit story and you get some mighty fine desert ass in perpetuity.   Wanna know how sweet the goods are?  Take some notes because you'll might want to convert to Islam.   The Houri have been variously described as being chaste, untouched (with a hymen unbroken by sexual intercourse), with large, firm, round breasts which are not inclined to hang, of equal age, child-free, and (here's the BIG score...) non-menstruating, non-urinating, and non-defecating.  Sweet!   Okay, let's recap.  You get 72 hot chicks your age with big, firm tits who never crap, piss, or get their period -- ever.  (I asssume this means that they also never fart, but belching is probably still on the table.)  But none of these chicks have ever been violated so there are no kids to get in the way...and there are ABSOLUTELY NO SLOPPY SECONDS!   But this promise is a big, fat lie.  Wanna know how it really works?  Observe: If it isn't crystal clear to you yet, know that Islam just doesn't deliver the goods.  Sheenism is the only religon that gets you young hot chicks.  Final Score:  Sheen 72, Hussein 0. WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION Getting to Know the Bastard Child - Volume I Despite long-standing rumors to the contrary, I was not born with the knowledge that god didn't exist.  Really, it's true.  On the contrary, I came into this world with a predisposition to believe in all sorts of fantasies and other constructs of the human mind.  After all, I drooled a lot and crapped in my pants.  How could I possibly comprehend such higher concepts? I read the Old Testament for the first time when I was four and a half months old, and I really, truly wanted to believe it.  But after reading the creation story I realized that something was very wrong.  It was clear to me that we evolved from lower life forms.  Being the consummate skeptic, I decided to do some scientific research.  This picture (taken in December of 1964) shows me studying the perfection of the female form.  Honestly, I was on the ropes for an hour or so because I figured that only a supreme being could create a thing of such magnificence, but I was an insightful child and I knew that even man would eventually be able to build such a creature.  (Some plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills built Pamela Anderson, right?)  So I figured, if we didn't need a supreme being to create a Bay Watch babe, then the forces of nature could easily accomplish the same task given enough time. Welcome to the Christian Learning Annex A Free Educational Service Courtesy of the Godless Bastard HOW TO GET SAVED    Reaching Out & Shaping Young Minds A fan of the site took this picture at an auto show in Detroit a couple of years ago.  It warms the cockles of my heart to see the youth of American take an interest in my work.  Okay, so the picture has been doctored to show the site's latest makeover.  Sue me. Small Steps: A Little Press Downunder A fan of the site down in Adelaide, Australia sent me a copy of their local metro news publication.  Check out the actual newspaper clip here (in PDF format) or read it on their website (under the August 25 entry). Amazing Disgrace Thou Shall Not Spank The following is an actual prayer request on the Apostolic Christian Church discussion board: Dear friends, Please pray for me. I've never asked for the prayers of people I've never met, but I'm in desparate straits. I badly wish to serve God in purity, but am drowning in pornography. I've tried everything I can think of -- Setting Capives Free (twice), an accountability partner, fervent prayer, internet filter, etc., and still I am plagued with sin and guilt. My soul feels spiritually dead, and I long to feel again the presence of the Holy Spirit. When I read the Word, I am confused between what appears to give hope to a Christian that has fallen back into sin, and what appears to give no hope. I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that there is no way out of this hell on earth, and that when it is complete, that is what I must also face for eternity. Thank you for praying for me. Getting to Know the Bastard Child - Volume II I remember it well.  It was in June of 1968 when I figured out that god didn't exist.  I didn't take it well as this picture shows.  You can see the obvious delight in my older brother's eyes.  I'm not sure if it was because he rejoiced in my new found enlightenment, or perhaps it was because he just liked to see me cry.  Of course, my little brother was too young to comprehend what was going on, so he just laughed as most two year olds do when daddy says, "Say cheese!" I'm telling you, it was a tough year of enlightenment for me.  God, Jesus, Santa Claus (and his long-time male companion Chanukah Harry), Bigfoot, the Easter Bunny, the Boogeyman, and the Tooth Fairy were all discovered to be fantasies of the dearly deluded.  I now had so little in which to believe.  All I had was my favorite baseball team.  Although, it should come as no surprise that the "Miracle Mets" won the World Series the following year.  Their slogan: "Ya Gotta Believe!"  And so I believed in the Mets.  At least they were real. The Godless Bastard's Fashion Corner Forget that plunging neckline and the hint of a thong riding up over your hip because nothing gives the Godless Bastard a stiffy faster than pious women clad in chaste attire. So to meet all your godly wardrobe needs, I submit for your approval (and mild nausea)... Works of the Heart And don't forget to visit their featured clothier for prudish, god-fearing beachgoers... Wholesome Wear Check out their slimming line.*   * Like it matters much at this point. The Submissive Jesus Prayer Answering Talking Head Hey, do the Godless Bastard a favor.  When you're done wasting your precious time here, visit www.thesubmissivejesus.com and check out my friend's cool new novelty item -- and then buy one, k?  Through its magical powers you just might be able to get your Jesus-loving mother-in-law off your case for not going to church anymore.  Come to think of it, why don't you buy one for that shrill bitch too. Here's the most recent commercial we shot: Click here to see our other commercials on YouTube.  If you watch carefully you just might catch a glimpse of me making an ass of myself. And yes, it's a real product.  I keep mine right on my desk to inspire me whilst I rant. Getting to Know the Bastard Child - Volume III It was 1969 -- October, I recall.  I was right in the middle of taking a crap at the Walt Whitman mall in Huntington when it dawned on me... God's love.  What an inane, mindless, heaping lode of steaming horse shit. Everyone knows.  There must be a way of keeping score or nothing has ANY value.  Money would literally be worthless is everyone had an infinite supply of it.  How meaningful is that A+ you earned in Calculus if everyone who ever took the course also received the same grade?  There must be scales of economy for any real or hypothetical "thing" for it to have any real or hypothetical worth. They say that god's love is infinite and that he loves everyone equally.  This is illogical.  No.  It's just plain stupid.  (I always like to tender a well-worded argument.)  But even if it were true, that would just make god's love utterly meaningless and valueless. Does this mean that god loves people in varying degrees?  No.  Not at all.  God neither loves nor hates anyone to any degree because he just doesn't exist.  Never has.  Not now, not ever. Love each other folks, because that's the only place you're going to get it. Anyway, it was the aforementioned toilet seat revelation that inspired the young Godless Bastard to pursue a life of sanity, rationality, and avocation of an atheistic belief system.  I was expelling crap at the time so it seemed like a sound practice to follow for the rest of the "crap" in my system at the time. Take a good hearty god-crap, people.  Trust me.  You'll feel MUCH better afterward. Korrupting Kidz with Kartoons From objectiveministries.org "Kidz" page: "Hello! My name is Lambuel and I hope that we can be friends. I would like to share with you my love for Jesus. Did you know that Jesus loves each and every one of us? It's true! In the Bible, He says: 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life'... Isn't that COOL?!" Here's their advice to kids in case they should encounter one of those evil atheists: Copyright © 2004 The Godless Bastard. All Rights Reserved.