Scoffing at all that's holy since 2004 MOCKING [OTHER INSULTS AND HUMOR] Jesus in Your Face: That's One Holy Mole-y We've seen his face in tree bark, water stains, window smudges, dental x-rays, wax drippings, and even on a greasy grilled cheese sandwich.  But last week, Jeremiah Funk, a 37 year old convenience store night manager from Weehauken, New Jersey, spotted the image of Jesus on Grammy Award winning artist Aaron Neville's face mole.  Once thought to be a misplaced Milk Dud, this dermatologic mishap brings god's message of hope and love to the world. Aw, I'm just kiddin', Aaron.  Bite-size milk chocolate-covered caramel or not, you rock! Bible Porn! In Genesis 38:9 (JKV) we have this dude who bangs his brother's wife like a cheap gong but pulls out before depositing his load, thus giving us history's first documented "money shot." And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. Most porn directors would applaud such skill and self control, but the omni-benevolent sky daddy wizard didn't care too much for Onan's lack of respect for life, so he killed him.  So the bible teaches us this; if you nail your sister-in-law make sure you knock her up.  Oh yeah, and don't jerk off either. Gangsta 4 God Meet the biblical scholar, motivational speaker, anger management counselor, and little ray of sunshine known as "Reverend X."    WARNING: He ain't followin' whitey's rules. Charming fellow, isn't he?  His real name is Don Vincent.  Listen to him on the Howard Stern Show and then check out a few of his other YouTube appearances:  1  2  3  4 Here's his soundboard. And remember, the devil is a muthafuckin' liar. Ann Coulter: I Might Fuck Her if She'd Shut Her God Damn Mouth Looking for the perfect birthday gift for that special political conservative in your life?  Well, I have great idea... Ann Coulter is just another annoying right wing pundit, right?  But I must confess I'm somewhat conflicted.  I can't decide if I'd rather punch this anorexic little snot into coherence or bend her over a stack of bibles and bang her like a cheap gong.  Even the Reverend Al Sharpton wants to nail this sub-rational egregious blonde wacko.  Ann once said, "Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do."  How could you not want to knock a chunk out of this little ray of sunshine? Anyway, I was so inspired by Ms. Coulter's most recent offering, "How To Talk To a Liberal (If You Must)" that I decided to pen one of my own for those of you faced with a similar quandary. So let's say you meet some chick who's really hot.  I mean the kind of hot where you'd nail her right in the middle of Costco while all the customers watch.  But every time she opens her mouth, vile, repulsive, repugnant, revolting, right-wing propaganda spews out like Krakatoa after 120 years of dormancy. No one really wants to bang a conservative, but sometimes you just have to throw caution (and disgust) to the wind and allow yourself to be violated for the sake of short-term sexual pleasure. I know what you're thinking.  How could I possibly enjoy a sexual encounter with someone so logically impaired and morally off-center?  Well, you can if you know the secret, and I'm giving it away for the low price of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling). With the help of my book you'll learn the techniques and trade secrets employed by liberal sex professionals and like-minded horny people in all the red states across the nation.  In just a few days, you'll be able to attain maximum pleasure while balling even the most offensive right-wing nutcase. In the first two chapters I reveal 27 new sexual positions, 12 voice-muffling choke holds, 17 discussion topic subterfuge techniques, and 87 exit strategies to minimize all offending political commentary before, during, and after coitus and other sexual acts that many conservatives would declare illegal in all states except California and certain counties in Alabama. And at under $20, that's a whole lot of BANG for the buck! Notice Mary Matalin (right) complaining about husband James Carville's manhood on "Meet The Press."  James says, "I wish I had known about the Godless Bastard's book before I married that uptight, domineering old crow.  Sex with her is like watching C-SPAN, and her shrill bed talk would make a horny virgin schoolboy go limp.  It's too late for me but save yourself." Sorry James.  I wish I could have been there for you, buddy.  But look at the bright side.  Chapter 21 maps out a comprehensive plan for removing the offending appendage and starting over with the likes of Debbie Schlussel or William Kristol.  And it comes with a Lifetime Guarantee! Okay, so this book is just a joke, but feel free to send me the twenty bucks anyway.  I'm not proud. Click here to see Ann's non-sexually repressed side.  And speaking of gettin' crazy, what do you get when a Rebbe goes postal?  You get... Chassidim Gone Wild! This is what happens when rabbis attack.   And with this we say, Amen. Sticky Situations Our military correspondent James Johnson (a.k.a. Major Woody) sent me a very cool "bible warning" atheist tract idea for all to enjoy and annoy.  James was so inspired by the humor of this photo that he decided to create the actual stickers!  He transcribed the exact text (shown below) to this Word document and formatted it to print on Avery #5262 address label sheets. WARNING:  This is a work of fiction.  Do NOT take it literally. CONTENT ADVISORY:  Contains verses descriptive of or advocating suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs or alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness, and human rights violations and atrocities. EXPOSURE WARNING:  Exposure to contents for extended periods of time or during formative years in children may cause delusions, hallucinations, decreased cognitive and object reasoning abilities, and, in extreme cases, pathological disorders, hatred, bigotry, and violence including, but not limited to fanaticism, murder and genocide. Put a few sheets in your car, briefcase, or backpack, then just peel 'n stick to leave your mark whenever and wherever you find a bible lying around.  A great idea for any free-thinking Road Warrior with regular access to in-room Gideon bibles! Below is a real example (no Photoshopping here) of a hotel bible in Cologne, Germany.  James stayed at the lovely Azimut Hotel and left this gift for all future guests of room 318. Take note of the proper placement of this label.  Hotel bibles are rarely used (that's why they always look brand new) but they're SEEN all the time when that drawer is opened.  (Come on, you always check the drawers.  Admit it.)  Placing the label on one of the pages is a virtual waste of time and a lost opportunity as there's no guarantee that it will ever be seen. And before you haters start lecturing me about destroying someone else's property (like it's not wholly warranted and deserved in this instance), know that these stickers peel off easily without any trace of damage if applied to the book's outer cover. Street Preaching We all know how weak, vulnerable, and indecipherable all Christian apologetic arguments and refutations can be.  But here I submit for your approval a demonstration of how to effectively establish your position on any point of Christian doctrine.   Follow this simple method of turning the other cheek to ensure maximum preaching and debating emphasis.  Take note that the Godless Bastard is not responsible for any liability incurred through this manner of Christian outreach. Hussein vs. Sheen: Quién Consigue Más Pussy? Okay, now pay attention kids.  I'm gonna teach you all about Islam.  (If you think I'm making any of this up, check it out for yourself.)   The Holy Qur'an promises you 72 virgins (known as "Houri") in heaven when you die.  Contrary to common belief, you don't have to die a martyr for the cause to get all that hooch.  All you have to do is just believe the bullshit story and you get some mighty fine desert ass in perpetuity.   Wanna know how sweet the goods are?  Take some notes because you'll might want to convert to Islam.   The Houri have been variously described as being chaste, untouched (with a hymen unbroken by sexual intercourse), with large, firm, round breasts which are not inclined to hang, of equal age, child-free, and (here's the BIG score...) non-menstruating, non-urinating, and non-defecating.  Sweet!   Okay, let's recap.  You get 72 hot chicks your age with big, firm tits who never crap, piss, or get their period -- ever.  (I asssume this means that they also never fart, but belching is probably still on the table.)  But none of these chicks have ever been violated so there are no kids to get in the way...and there are ABSOLUTELY NO SLOPPY SECONDS!   But this promise is a big fat lie.  Wanna know how it really works?  Observe: If it isn't crystal clear to you yet, know that Islam just doesn't deliver the goods.  Sheenism is the only religon that gets you young hot chicks.  Final Score:  Sheen 72, Hussein 0. Irony in Numbers The U.S. postal code for Topeka Kansas, throbbing clitoris of the Bible Belt and home of the Westborough Baptist Church and its illustrious leader Fred "God Hates Fags" Phelps, is 66616. Are you Beelzebub in the flesh?  Click here to check your name for the sign of the beast! Sneezes for Jesus A former co-worker teaches us all a lesson via Facebook wall posting: Lesson: When you "mix it up" with a Christian he will accuse you of having "mommy and daddy issues."  You have all been warned. Weapon of Mass Destruction Ever wonder what happens to a religiously deluded man of the cloth who never gets laid?  He either diddles little boys, or he snaps.  This dude (below) is clearly straight.   Well, look at it this way.  A misdemeanor assault charge is far less embarrassing and infinitely cheaper in legal fees for the diocese than felony molestation. Getting to Know the Bastard Child - Volume I Despite long-standing rumors to the contrary, I was not born with the knowledge that god didn't exist.  Really, it's true.  On the contrary, I came into this world with a predisposition to believe in all sorts of fantasies and other constructs of the human mind.  After all, I drooled a lot and crapped in my pants.  How could I possibly comprehend such higher concepts? I read the Old Testament for the first time when I was four and a half months old, and I really, truly wanted to believe it.  But after reading the creation story I realized that something was very wrong.  It was clear to me that we evolved from lower life forms.  Being the consummate skeptic, I decided to do some scientific research. This picture (left) shows me studying the perfection of the female form.  Honestly, I was on the ropes for an hour or so because I figured that only a supreme being could create a thing of such magnificence, but I was an insightful child and I knew that even man would eventually be able to build such a creature.  (Some plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills built Pamela Anderson, right?)  So I figured, if we didn't need a supreme being to create a Bay Watch babe, then the forces of nature could easily accomplish the same task given enough time. Welcome to the Christian Learning Annex A Free Educational Service Courtesy of the Godless Bastard HOW TO GET SAVED    When Christians Date Ripped from the web pages of Match.com, I present to you Beverly, 41 years old. Her Tagline: "...laughs at the days to come. (Proverbs 31:25)" "Quite simply, I'm madly in love with Jesus, and am passionate about plumbing the depths of his love and grace and sharing His riches with others. This pursuit has lead me overseas, where I am currently living among people that have very little chance to hear the great news of Christ. There’s plenty that I love about my life: warm, wonderful people whose words and ways both delight and baffle me; being reminded both of my own clay-ness and the great treasure within that’s from God and not from me; wonderful and loving community ; investing my life in that which endures; adventures that I never imagined for myself as I entered my 30s... the list goes on. The one thing that is a bit of a bummer is I end up saying good-bye a lot, yet I continue to hope to meet a companion for the journey, that friend and lover to whom I’ll never say good-bye. My situation has made meeting potentials a little tricky. Ya see, I am an American, living in Europe for the time being. So as far as getting to know me goes, you should know that about the distance issue. But hey, I'm game for developing a writing-friendship... So, what do I think this companion for the journey will be like? I can’t say that I have a firmly formed image in my mind. My one non-negotiable is that you know Jesus and pursue Him with all that you are; this is so essential if you're really going to get me. Outside of that, well... I'm hoping to turn over my many thoughts with you, from the mundane to the profound; I'm hoping to laugh a lot, to share adventures; I'm hoping to serve one another, call out the best in each other, and to seek first the Kingdom of God together. I love beauty in all forms: athletic brilliance, written word, creation, music... I love the human heart expressed, and I'm hoping to explore new dimensions these loves with another. My faith in Jesus is the basis for everything in my life: my identity, my heart for people, my love of reading his word and being connected with his body. I'm investing my life in cross cultural ministry to share this treasure I've found in him." Let's recap.  You're madly in love with Jesus and passionate about "plumbing the depths of his love?"  Mmmm.  Now if that doesn't get you hard I really don't know what will. Bev is clearly living on another planet.  She resides in Europe and thinks she's going to find someone Stateside.  Yeah, I'll agree that it is a bit "tricky" darling, but it ain't your fundamental challenge here.  Jesus is the ultimate boner killer.  Don't you know that?  And in case it didn't catch your eye, she was 41 about 10 years ago.  So much for that not bearing false witness commandment. Reaching Out & Shaping Young Minds A fan of the site took this picture at an auto show in Detroit a couple of years ago.  It warms the cockles of my heart to see the youth of American take an interest in my work. Okay, you got me.  So maybe it is a doctored picture.  Sue me. Small Steps: A Little Press Downunder I was hoping for something more along the lines of a mention on the evening network news (preferably Fox), but I'll take what I can get.  A fan of the site down in Adelaide, Australia sent me a copy of their local metro news publication.  Check out the actual newspaper clip here (in PDF format) or read it on their website (under the August 25 entry). Amazing Disgrace I don't know what the deal is with this poor bastard or why he chose to honor us all with this uplifting vocal offering.  I just thought it was funny.   American Idol producers, please find this dude.  He is what your open call auditions are all about. Thou Shall Not Spank The following is an actual prayer request on the Apostolic Christian Church discussion board: Dear friends, Please pray for me. I've never asked for the prayers of people I've never met, but I'm in desparate straits. I badly wish to serve God in purity, but am drowning in pornography. I've tried everything I can think of -- Setting Capives Free (twice), an accountability partner, fervent prayer, internet filter, etc., and still I am plagued with sin and guilt. My soul feels spiritually dead, and I long to feel again the presence of the Holy Spirit. When I read the Word, I am confused between what appears to give hope to a Christian that has fallen back into sin, and what appears to give no hope. I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that there is no way out of this hell on earth, and that when it is complete, that is what I must also face for eternity. Thank you for praying for me. Final Acts: Farewell Jacko It's a bad news/good news thing.  The bad news is that "King of Pop" Michael Jackson was pronounced dead on June 25, 2009, 2:26 PM at UCLA Medical Center. The good news is that Michael's not burning in hell -- but he ain't moonwalking in heaven either. Simple is the fact that neither heaven nor hell exist and that this tortured, tragic, deeply troubled bastard has left us to be with the rest of the great decomposers.  But you know what does exist?  Pictures from the Jackson family estate in Encino! I live a few minutes from their home and couldn't resist checking out the spectacle.  I was fortunate enough to catch Jesse Jackson stopping by to offer Michael's father some spiritual support, uh, I mean to get his face in front of TV cameras and help Joe promote my website. Click to behold the circus sideshow:  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13 Even the Creepy Starbuck's Guy from Godspotting Sermon 7 showed up! Sad to see you go, Mike.  You were the King.  (And Elvis still sucks.) Getting to Know the Bastard Child - Volume II I remember it well.  It was in June of 1968 when I figured out that god didn't exist, and I didn't take it well as this picture below shows. You can see the obvious delight in my older brother's eyes.  I'm not sure if it was because he rejoiced in my new found enlightenment, or perhaps it was because he just liked to see me cry.  Of course, my little brother was too young to comprehend what was going on, so he just laughed as most two year olds do when daddy says, "Say cheese!" It was a tough year of enlightenment for me.  God, Jesus, Santa Claus (and his long-time male companion Chanukah Harry), Bigfoot, Yeti, the Easter Bunny, the Boogeyman, and the Tooth Fairy were all discovered to be fantasies of the dearly deluded.  I now had so little in which to believe.  All I had was my favorite baseball team.  Although, it should come as no surprise that the "Miracle Mets" won the World Series the following year. New York's slogan was, "Ya Gotta Believe!"  And so I believed in the Mets.  At least they were real. The Godless Bastard's Fashion Corner Forget that plunging neckline and the hint of a thong riding up over your hip because nothing gives the Godless Bastard a stiffy faster than pious women clad in chaste attire. So to meet all your godly wardrobe needs, I submit for your approval (and mild nausea)... Works of the Heart And don't forget to visit their featured clothier for god-fearing beachgoers... Wholesome Wear And make sure you check out their new slimming line.*   * Like it matters much at this point. The Submissive Jesus Prayer Answering Talking Head When you're done wasting your precious time here, visit thesubmissivejesus.com and check out their blasphemously funny novelty item.  Through its magical powers you just might be able to get your Jesus-loving mother-in-law off your case for not going to church anymore.  Come to think of it, why don't you buy one for that shrill bitch too?   Click here to see their other commercials on YouTube.  And yes, this is a real product.  I even bought one myself.  It sits right on my desk to inspire me whilst I rant. Animal Instinct Man's best friend might be dumb enough to eat his own poop, but even a dog knows when the bullshit stinks a bit too much.   This makes perfect sense as godnroc spelled backward is corndog. Getting to Know the Bastard Child - Volume III It was 1969 -- October, I recall.  I was right in the middle of taking a crap at the Walt Whitman mall in Huntington when it dawned on me... God's love.  What an inane, mindless, heaping lode of steaming horse shit. Everyone knows.  There must be a way of keeping score or nothing has ANY value.  Money would literally be worthless is everyone had an infinite supply of it.  How meaningful is that A+ you earned in calculus if everyone who ever took the course also received the same grade?  There must be scales of economy for any real or hypothetical "thing" for it to have any real or hypothetical worth. They say that god's love is infinite and that he loves everyone equally.  This is illogical.  No.  It's just plain stupid.  (I always like to tender a well-worded argument.)  But even if it were true, that would just make god's love utterly meaningless and valueless. Does this mean that god loves people in varying degrees?  No.  Not at all.  God neither loves nor hates anyone to any degree because he just doesn't exist.  Never has.  Not now, not ever. Love each other folks, because that's the only place you're going to get it. Anyway, it was the aforementioned toilet seat revelation that inspired the young Godless Bastard to pursue a life of sanity, rationality, and avocation of an atheistic belief system.  I was expelling crap at the time so it seemed like a sound practice to follow for the rest of the "crap" in my system at the time. Take a good hearty god-crap, people.  Trust me.  You'll feel MUCH better afterward. Famous Bastards Sit back and meet a few of my favorite bastardly disciples and learn how they earned their way to dishonorable mention. Russell Jones (Ol' Dirty Bastard) 1969-2004 Felon rap artist, coke addict, punk. Jones, known for his wild lifestyle and incessant legal woes, dropped dead at the age of 36 in a Manhattan recording studio after a 2004 cocaine binge.  This "Father of the Year" is rumored to have sired more than a dozen children by numerous women.  Bastardosity: 8 Joey Buttafuoco Auto repairman, actor, statutory rapist, Italian greaseball. Joey diddled an overly-possessive 16 year old tramp (Amy Fisher) who subsequently shot his wife in the head in an attempt to kill her.  After three stints in the big house for statutory rape, solicitation of prostitution (he approached an undercover cop), and auto insurance fraud, Joey launched a terminally bad acting career. He inspired three awful made-for-TV movies.  Bastardosity: 7 Rasputin 1872-1916 Drunken, sex-crazed, womanizing, Russian holy man. This "Evil Monk" got a little too cozy with the czar's wife.  Concerned that he was becoming too influential, vigilante aristocrats conspired to whack this miserable little bastard.  After being poisoned, shot, bludgeoned, and shot again, Rasputin finally drowned in the frozen waters in which his body was dumped -- which was an appropriate finality as, apparently, he rarely bathed.  Bastardosity: 9 Bob Crane 1928-1978 Decorated war veteran, successful TV and movie actor, husband, father, philanderer, S&M freak, amateur home pornographer, felonious voyeur, all-around scumbag. Crane pissed off enough people and ended up being strangled with his own VCR cord.  Probably killed by John Carpenter (who was tried and acquitted) for rejecting his sexual advances.  Today the case remains unsolved.  Bastardosity: 10 Luca Brazi Ruthless Sicilian henchman and sausage-stuffed friend of Vito Corleone. Like an obedient Rottweiler, Luca went to spy on the Tattaglias by offering his allegiance at Vito's request.  After accepting $50,000 to betray the Corleone family, Virgil "The Turk" Sollozzo nailed Brazi's hand to a wooden bar with an ice pick while a Tattaglia baddie tightened a garrote around his neck.  Luca now sleeps with the fishes.  No more cannolis for him.  Bastardosity: 6 Steven Seagal Washed-up C-List celebrity and bloated martial arts expert. What do you get when you cross a Buddhist monk with a greasy ponytail, a sweat-stained Aikido black belt, a cheesy Versace shirt, a fringe-suede Native American waistcoat with 220 pounds of machismo soaked in a gallon of cheap cologne and wrapped in one enormous super-ego?  You get a mediocre, badly-dressed, one-dimensional actor.  Bastardosity: 8 The 5th Dentist Elusive contrarian. Not much is known about this anonymous tooth puller, but he's been the lone hold-out for the past 31 years while the other four dentists recommended Trident to their patients who chewed gum.  Rumor has it he reuses floss on patients who don't pay on time.  Expected to cave in March 2018.  Bastardosity: 3 Copyright © 2004 The Godless Bastard. All Rights Reserved.