Scoffing at all that's holy since 2004 DISCIPLES AND OTHER BASTARDS Russell Jones (Ol' Dirty Bastard) 1969-2004 Felon rap artist, coke addict, punk. Jones, known for his wild lifestyle and incessant legal woes, dropped dead at the age of 36 in a Manhattan recording studio after a 2004 cocaine binge.  This "Father of the Year" is rumored to have sired more than a dozen children by numerous women.  Bastardosity: 8 Joey Buttafuoco Auto repairman, actor, statutory rapist, Italian greaseball. Joey diddled an overly-possessive 16 year old tramp (Amy Fisher) who subsequently shot his wife in the head in an attempt to kill her.  After three stints in the big house for statutory rape, solicitation of prostitution (he approached an undercover cop), and auto insurance fraud, Joey launched a terminally bad acting career. He inspired three awful made-for-TV movies.  Bastardosity: 7 Rasputin 1872-1916 Drunken, sex-crazed, womanizing, Russian holy man. This "Evil Monk" got a little too cozy with the czar's wife.  Concerned that he was becoming too influential, vigilante aristocrats conspired to whack this miserable little bastard.  After being poisoned, shot, bludgeoned, and shot again, Rasputin finally drowned in the frozen waters in which his body was dumped -- which was an appropriate finality as, apparently, he rarely bathed.  Bastardosity: 9 Bob Crane 1928-1978 Decorated war veteran, successful TV and movie actor, husband, father, philanderer, S&M freak, amateur home pornographer, felonious voyeur, all-around scumbag. Crane pissed off enough people and ended up being strangled with his own VCR cord.  Probably killed by John Carpenter (who was tried and acquitted) for rejecting his sexual advances.  Today the case remains unsolved.  Bastardosity: 10 Luca Brazi Ruthless Sicilian henchman and sausage-stuffed friend of Vito Corleone. Like a rabid yet obedient Rottweiler, Luca donned an ineffectual bulletproof vest and went at Vito's request to spy on the Tattaglias and offer his allegiance.  After accepting $50,000 to betray the Corleone family, Virgil "The Turk" Sollozzo nailed Brazi's hand to a wooden bar with an ice pick while a Tattaglia baddie tightened a garrote around his neck.  Luca now sleeps with the fishes.  No more cannolis for him.  Bastardosity: 6 Steven Seagal Washed-up C-List celebrity and bloated martial arts expert. What do you get when you cross a Buddhist monk with a greasy ponytail, a sweat-stained Aikido black belt, a cheesy Versace shirt, a fringe-suede Native American waistcoat with 220 pounds of machismo soaked in a gallon of cheap cologne and wrapped in one enormous super-ego?  You get a mediocre, badly-dressed, one-dimensional actor.  Bastardosity: 8 The 5th Dentist Elusive contrarian. Not much is known about this anonymous tooth puller, but he's been the lone hold-out for the past 31 years while the other four dentists recommended Trident to their patients who chewed gum.  Rumor has it he reuses floss on patients who don't pay on time.  Expected to cave in March 2018.  Bastardosity: 3 Copyright © 2004 The Godless Bastard. All Rights Reserved.