The Dumbamic Duo

Fueled by the fear of looking stupid by believing in silly things, Christians often concoct laughable and faulty theories to prove the existence of their god. One of the most laughable of these theories points to the form of the banana. (No, I’m not kidding.) Yes, people. Fruit.

Washed-up actor Kirk Cameron starred in the ABC sitcom Growing Pains. While ABC couldn’t save his terminally bad but strangely successful acting career, Jesus apparently saved Kirk’s soul from an eternity in hell. While channel surfing one night I stumbled upon an evangelical Christian talk show hosted by Kirk and his Kiwi evangelical side-kick Ray Comfort

How desperate and shameless can a person be to win a soul over for Christ? It would appear to be very.

Being so deluded and desperate to see only what he wanted to see, Ray sat there, looked straight into the camera, held up a banana, and with the straightest face imaginable and not an ounce of shame, I kid you not, made the following utterly ridiculous argument [paraphrased]:

The Banana: The Atheist’s Nightmare

The banana…

• has outward indicators of inward content. Green lets you now that it’s not ready to eat yet. Yellow lets you know that it’s just right to consume. Black lets you know that it’s far too late to put it in your belly.
• is perfectly shaped for the human hand.
• has a non-slip surface.
• has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
• has a perforated wrapper for easy peeling.
• has a biodegradable wrapper.
• is curved towards the face to make the eating process easy.
• is perfectly shaped for the human mouth.
• has a point at its top for ease of entry.
• is pleasing to the taste buds.

To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.

Note: The actual wording of this argument (above) was taken from an evangelical Christian website, but Ray’s fundamental argument was substantially the same except for his personal choice of words.

Well now you have it, my friends. Absolute, concrete proof (in 10 points) that god exists! And wouldn’t you know it, it just happens to be the Christian god. Whew. I was getting nervous that the Hindus might be right. But after thousands of years of debate by the greatest minds in history, who would have thought the proof of god’s existence could be found in fresh fruit?

It was quite a spectacle, really. Ray demonstrated how the two ridges between the thumb and index finger are identical to (and line up perfectly with) the ridges on the inside edge of a half-peeled banana. How can we possibly deny the perfect harmony between all things that god created?

Thoroughly consistent with evangelical Christians seeing only what they want to see, Ray never mentioned the coconut or durian or any of the countless others that don’t fit so nicely into his little theory. Durian is damn near impossible to open, awkward, messy, and wholly inefficient for human consumption. It also smells like rotting flesh (no lie), yet the fruit inside is sweet. Seems to be in total conflict with Ray’s impressive argument for outward colors indicating inward content. But let’s just sweep that under the rug just like every other argument that scares the crap out of evangelicals.

All the while Kirk sat there chuckling as if shocked that seemingly intelligent people could not see this rather obvious and perfect example of god’s design. I probably shouldn’t be that hard on the guy. He’s delusional, but he’s nailing Chelsea Nobel. I should at least give him credit for that. Besides, nothing eases profound stupidity faster that a hot piece of Christian ass. Here’s a picture of Kirk [right] showing what must be turned off in order to think like a Christian.

Okay, people. It’s time to awake from the aforementioned state of mental inactivity and employ a little common sense, shall we? But first a disclaimer.

Those with delicate sensitivities and an appalling lack of sense of humor are cautioned not to read the rest of this rant. I chose an admittedly base, sophomoric, and bawdy counter-argument for two reasons. First, it demonstrates the silliness of the notion that fruit could be used to prove the existence of a higher power. And second, I just think it’s funny.

The Banana: Proof that Christians See What They Want to See

We all know that sex is as pleasurable as it is functional. Our species wants to live on, and procreation (through the act of sex) accomplishes that goal. But as we also all know, sex feels good – and we do it more often for pleasure than for procreation. And while it takes two to tango, it only takes one to feel good sexually. Of course it’s not nearly as fun going solo, but it certainly does do the trick.

Modern technology and advances in the manufacture of synthetics and small battery operated vibrating devices have given women in need of “something special” all sorts of wonderful sex toys to do the job when no man is available.

Ask any woman over the age of 30 (who isn’t shy or a prude) and you’ll hear a testament to the merits of dildos and vibrators.

But the technology that has given women these toys of pleasure has not always existed. What did women do before the advent of these modern sexual conveniences? What did Eve, Ruth, Ester and all their biblical sisters do back then?

God gave women sex organs through which sexual pleasure may be derived. If we were designed as Christians argue, then god certainly wanted women to have pleasure because he gave them all the parts that provide it.

And as god is all-knowing, he certainly knew long before each one of us were born that there would often be times throughout our lives when those strong sexual urges would drive us mad because we had no available partner to take care of business. And some of god’s children, well, they just can’t get laid.

So being the all-knowing, all-powerful, kind, and loving god that our designer and creator is, he gave women the banana! And even those with only an ounce of common sense and the most clouded power of perception can see the brilliance of god’s perfect design of this most patently sensual fruit.

Pay close attention.

The banana…

• has outward indicators of inward content.*
• is perfectly shaped to fit the human hand.
• has a point at its top for ease of entry.
• is curved towards the vagina to make the penetration process easy.
• has a tab at the bottom to hold and control the motion of the banana when completely inserted (so that it doesn’t keep slipping out).
• just like the human penis, it is perfectly shaped for the human vagina.
• if held so that its curve is pointed upward after insertion, it hits the G-Spot perfectly!
• has a soft wrapper so that the delicate lining of the vagina isn’t scraped.
• has a non-slip surface so that you won’t lose control of the device while enjoying the ride.
• has a protective covering to prevent vaginal matter (or fecal matter, in the case of god’s homosexual children) from spoiling the fruit inside.
• has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
• is perforated on its wrapper for easy peeling.
• has a biodegradable wrapper for post-coital disposal.
• is pleasing to taste buds as well as the vagina.
• has a high potassium content which quickly alleviates muscle cramps.
• has a high caloric and carbohydrate content to refuel the body after sexual exertion.

To say that the banana’s perfect design for sexual gratification just happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can!

FYI, that’s 16 points to Ray’s 10. Checkmate!

God’s Holy Color Codes *

Green bananas are the hardest (which most women seem to prefer) and are required to attain the best penetration. Yellow lets you know that it’s getting softer and may not be useful for much longer. And black indicates a limp, mushy banana which women are not terribly fond of.

Keep in mind that these outward color codes also indicate if the banana is suitable for eating. Just like a vigorous weight training workout, overuse of the banana for sexual gratification will deplete the body of energy as well as cause muscle cramps. The body dehydrates through the loss of fluids (sweat and secretions). Ask anyone with knowledge of human physiology and nutrition and you’ll learn quickly that the banana is the perfect recovery food! Isn’t god’s design amazing?

Intelligent DUHsign

And as for the design of the Coca Cola can that Ray made a point of highlighting, everyone say it with me: DUH!

The Coca Cola can was designed? Really? I never knew that. Silly me. I should have known that fucking INANIMATE OBJECTS are designed. After all, the designer and manufacturer’s name is printed right on the can. I don’t know how I could have missed that one. There’s even an address and phone number right there in plain sight. Too bad god didn’t do the same with bananas.

Sorry, but neither bananas nor humans bear any label, name, logo, trademark, or copyright like that silly and weak Coke can analogy. There’s not one shred of proof indicating who or what designed us – if we were even designed at all. Maybe the Hindu god who created the human race just forgot to label us. Perhaps it was the alien overlords from planet Monstercock who brought us here eons ago who made that particular mistake. Beats me. And it beats Ray too.

Seeing is Believing

If you think I’m making any of this up, watch the actual show that featured the aforementioned “nightmare” yourself. The entire episode runs about a half an hour in length, but this excerpt (below) is a quick 57 seconds if you don’t have the time. Trust me, you won’t believe this spectacle of religious delusion. It’s a textbook example of how people see what they want [read: need] so desperately to see.

And now the really bad news for poor deluded Ray. While my response was offered for its entertainment value, the scientific explanation can be found on SkepticWiki. The bananas we eat today have been engineered through cultivation BY HUMAN HANDS over the past several hundred years. It’s very well documented. The wild bananas that Ray’s imaginary god gave us had a different shape, structure, color, and were virtually inedible.

Click here to watch a fun video debunking Mr. Comfort.

Facades & Charades

On a final note, Kirk claims to have once been an atheist. I can assure you that he never really was one – or anything even remotely resembling one. I’ve yet to meet an evangelizing Christian who didn’t claim to once be an atheist (or some other flavor of skeptic). It’s standard fare in their attempt to establish credibility with the intended target of their soul-saving charge. It also attempts to debunk the illusion that they’re not open-minded skeptics who scrutinize the very foundation of their belief system.

Besides, questioning your faith at one time or another does NOT make you an atheist. Let Kirk show me something substantial to back up this claim, like some prior written work, and I might be convinced that he once maintained an atheistic belief system. Until then he’ll be just another desperate panicky Christian trying to put on a good show.

[Left to Right] Ray Comfort, Kook Cameron, Brian and Kelly of The Rational Response Squad. Looks like Kelly is now doing porn. Recognize the red dress? (Yes, that’s really her.)

Bragging Rites

Oh, one more thing. My personal savior in the quest to debunk all that is stupid, “The Amazing” James Randi gave me a mention in his 07-04-08 article How Ridiculous Can You Get in which he thrashed Ray Comfort for his aforementioned spate of delusion. Quoting SkepticWiki, he wrote:

“And finally, for those with a mind in the gutter, the argument is ripe (no pun intended) for parody value. The author of GodlessBastard.com has put together a telling parody about the banana fruit as a perfectly-engineered sex toy. I’ll offer no comment on that last sentence…”

Note: SkepticWiki is now RationalWiki. The reference to my website is gone and someone there clearly stole my joke as noted in the section titled Bad Sex. Fuckers!
 

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