Sit back and meet a few of my favorite bastardly disciples and learn how they earned their way to dishonorable mention.

Russell Jones (Ol’ Dirty Bastard)

1969 – 2004
Rapper, Felon, Coke Addict, Punk

Known for his wild lifestyle and incessant legal woes, Jones dropped dead at the age of 36 in a Manhattan recording studio after a cocaine binge. This Father of the Year is rumored to have sired more than a dozen children by numerous women.

Bastardosity: 8

Joey Buttafuoco

1956 – TBD
Auto Repairman, Statutory Rapist, Actor, Italian Greaseball

Joey boinked an overly-possessive 16 year old tramp (Amy Fisher) who subsequently shot his wife in the head. After three stints in the big house for statutory rape, solicitation of prostitution (he approached an undercover cop), and auto insurance fraud, Joey launched a terminally bad acting career. He inspired three awful made-for-TV movies.

Bastardosity: 7

Rasputin

1872 – 1916
Drunk, Sex-Crazed Womanizer, Holy Man

Known as the “Evil Monk,” Rasputin got a little too cozy with the czar’s wife. Concerned that he was becoming too influential, vigilante aristocrats conspired to whack this miserable little bastard. After being poisoned, shot, bludgeoned, and shot again, he finally drowned in the frozen waters in which his body was dumped – which was an appropriate finality as apparently he rarely bathed.

Bastardosity: 9

Bob Crane

1928 – 1978
Decorated War Veteran, TV & Movie Actor, Philanderer, S&M Freak, Pornographer, Felonious Voyeur, All-Around Scumbag

Hogan’s Heroes star was strangled with a VCR cord (from his home pornography studio) after pissing off the wrong person. Probably killed by John Carpenter (who was tried and acquitted) for rejecting his sexual advances. Today the case remains unsolved.

Bastardosity: 10

Luca Brasi

1900 – 1945
Sicilian Henchman, Sausage-Stuffed Friend of Vito Corleone

Like an obedient Rottweiler, Luca went to spy on the Tattaglias by offering his allegiance at Vito’s request. After accepting $50,000 to betray the Corleone family, Virgil “The Turk” Sollozzo nailed Brazi’s hand to a wooden bar with an ice pick while a family baddie tightened a garrote around his neck. Luca now sleeps with the fishes. No more cannolis for him.

Bastardosity: 6

Steven Seagal

1952 – TBD
Washed-up C-List Celebrity, Bloated Martial Arts Expert

Take 320 pounds of machismo soaked in lard and cheap cologne peppered with wannabe Buddhist monk tendencies and really bad one-dimentional acting, tack on a greasy ponytail and dress him in a cheesy Versace shirt, a fringe-suede Native American waistcoat, a sweat-stained Aikido black belt, and wrap the fat bastard up in one enormous super-ego. What do you get? This fucking guy.

Bastardosity: 8

Mr. Bumble

1784 – 1849
Beadle, Workhouse Master, Asshole

This colossal douchebag wouldn’t give a hungry kid a second bowl of slop and then sold him into slavery. Married an old widow because he thought she had money…and then she beat his ass real good. Probably died from syphilis. Wore a cool hat though. Yeah, he rocked that shit.

Bastardosity: 10

The 5th Dentist

1942 – TBD
Elusive Contrarian

Not much is known about this anonymous tooth puller, but he’s been the lone hold-out for the past 47 years while the other four dentists recommended Trident to their patients who chewed gum. Rumor has it he reuses floss on patients who don’t pay on time. Expected to cave in March 2017.

Bastardosity: 3
 

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