Kurt Warner: Selectively Blessed

The outspoken Christian zealot Kurt Warner thanks Jesus when he wins, yet there’s no mention of the almighty dispenser of good fortune when his team goes down in flames. Kurt, like so many myopic Christians, is “selectively blessed.” In other words, he gets to choose when god has delivered the goods. And wouldn’t you know it, Kurt is blessed whenever (and only when) good fortune is the end result.

How decidedly convenient.

According to Kurt, Jesus has a vested interest in the outcome of sporting events. And god-stake is always claimed after the fact, never before. Always. Kurt never says before the game, “Jesus will bless us with a victory today.”

No, this bet-hedger waits until the game has concluded and then either stakes claim to a blessing or silently dismisses his sky daddy in favor of earthly causation for explanation of the defeat.

Don’t forget, for every loser here’s also a winner, and they’re claiming blessings from above as well. You’ve seen all these morons on their knees praying before the game, and sometimes the competing teams even pray together. Someone’s gonna be disappointed.

Case in point. Below is a video clip of Kurt after the conference win that got the Cardinals to the Superbowl in 2009. It’s Monday morning quarterbacking at its finest. And in Kurt’s case, it’s literal.

Come on, Kurt. I dare you to make such claims before the game. Where’s your faith?

But at any rate, all this Jesus talk suddenly melted away after their Superbowl defeat. Ben Roethlisberger threw a 6-yard touchdown pass to Santonio Holmes with 35 seconds left in the game giving Pittsburgh a soaring 27-23 victory over the Cardinals.

Warner didn’t mention Jesus in ANY of his post game interviews. Why is that? I wonder why he didn’t tell us all that Jesus favored the Steelers with his blessings and that the last catch in the final moments was [...wait for it...] a “miracle.” Let’s not kid ourselves folks, because that’s exactly what certain members of the Cardinals were claiming.

You see, duplicitous Christians like Warner get to choose what constitutes a blessing (i.e. anything good). Nothing positive is the direct and sole product of hard work and dedication or random chance because god has a hand in everything. Yet anything even remotely negative is either willfully ignored or (if the event is profoundly impactful) rationalized as part of god’s “master plan.” Kurt prefers to slink away in silence.

Jesus must be a Steelers fan.

This photo proves that it’s actually Santonio Holmes who has Jesus on his side:

Hey, isn’t this the same picture Greg Brady took when he was sidelined with a cracked rib? (If you have no clue what the hell that means, then I’m old enough to be your father.)
 

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