Celebrity Christian Douchebags
Every month a new honoree will be added to the never-ending list of nutbag celebrities who demonstrate brazen public Christian douchebaggery. See who’s on-deck here.
March 2013: Chuck Norris
Profession: Washed-up machismo action film actor/Conservative Christian agenda puppet
Best Known For: Annoying internet memes that survived his long-dead acting career
Greatest Achievement: Staving off latent homosexual tendencies with Christian subterfuge
Future Ambition: To force god and bad science into public schools
Dirty Little Secret: Once punched his wife in the throat after licking his ass because “it’s gay”
Positive Spin: At 73 years old, we won’t have to put up with him for much longer
Douche Substratum: Fag Hater
Douche Factor: 98%
Like your average bible-punching idiot, Mr. Norris is overly bothered by and concerned with two ungodly abominations: evolutionists and fags.
Apparently, Chuckie doesn’t think too highly of those godless scientists and their [making quote fingers] “theory” of evolution. This flaming twat openly blames atheists and evolution for school shootings and pretty much anything else that’s wrong in and with the world. And he’s praised by creationist douchebags like Ken Ham as an authority on the subject with unassailable scholarly commentary like, “It’s not real.”
Wow. It’s impossible to refute such a compelling argument, so I’ll allow it to remain as scientific wisdom.
Watch Chuckie piss all over the god damn Constitution under the delusion that our largely deist [not Christian] Founding Fathers forged this country on “biblical principles.” (Also note the secondary purpose of this video: to show off his hot little beard, um, I mean wife.)
But Chuckie’s panties are also in a bind over the homo agenda to sway straight Christian boys into cock sucking (because, you know, homosexuality is a choice) by infiltrating discriminatory Christian organizations like The Boy Scouts of America.
This fucking asshole wrote [about The Day of Silence]:
“Is encouraging or teaching about homosexuality what our forefathers expected for the public education they founded? Even the most liberal among them opposed it. For example, Thomas Jefferson drafted a bill concerning the criminal laws of Virginia, in which he proposed that the penalty for sexual deviance should be unique corporal punishment. Jefferson’s views were indeed representative of early America.”
He then went on to say that he didn’t condone such actions, which of course no one believes. But even if he was sincere about not condoning such corporal punishments, then he necessarily pisses all over his point rendering it moot. Only one other position remains, jackass, and it’s acceptance of the fact that those 250 year old “early American” societal values have changed. If you don’t condone CORPORAL FUCKING PUNISHMENT for the expression of NATURAL SEXUAL URGES BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS, then you can draw NO FUCKING CONCLUSION about the inappropriateness of A FUCKING MOMENT OF SILENCE, you fucking child. This renders what the Founding Fathers believed (about human sexuality 250 years ago) wholly irrelevant.
Please, Chuckie. It’s one or the other. Pick a side and live with it. Besides, we all know how you really feel. Moron.
Chuckie has (or rather had) his own line of denim jeans specifically designed to be worn when kicking homos in the face with your [so not gay] cowboy boots without splitting the crotch [hint-hint].
One particular ad boasts that his jeans are “The Only Pants Made for Roundhousing.” This jargon is wildly suspicious. I suspect some subconscious intent to come clean.
Roundhouse, bathhouse, playing house, it’s all the same.
Take note of Chuckie’s double pistol-grip posture. I think it’s clear that he’s always poised to wrap each hand firmly around a steel-hard black gun barrel.
I’ll close with an article that Chuckie penned for AmmoLand magazine in June 2012. The mag title alone (relative to the subject matter) speaks volumes, doesn’t it? I think someone is trying WAY too hard. Yup.
February 2013: Janine Turner
Profession: Full-time washed-up actress, part-time Fox News stooge
Best Known For: Being the hot chick on Northern Exposure
Greatest Achievement: Hasn’t blinked since 2003
Future Ambition: To prove undeniably that Obama isn’t American
Dirty Little Secret: Let’s just say the carpet matches the drapes
Positive Spin: Keeps hydrogen peroxide industry in the black
Douche Substratum: Robot
Douche Factor: 79%
Would someone please tell me exactly what it is that invariably turns a has-been actor into a raving kook? Is it midlife ennui or the slow and gradual loss of one’s grasp on reality?
After a very successful run on Northern Exposure (1990-1995), Strong Medicine (2000-2002), and the kick-ass action thriller Cliffhanger (1993), Turner’s acting career began to spiral quickly downward. You know your acting career is terminally fucked when a long-running TV show degrades into a one-week stint on Hollywood Squares…and you’re not even center square.
So in 2008 (when the Kenyan-born negro community organizer know as Barrack HUSSEIN Obama announced his candidacy for President of the United Christian States of Amuuurica), Janine took the cue and reinvented herself as a nutbag conservative Christian – which we oddly never saw hide nor hair of until public interest in her started to wane. This is where Janine jumped the rails to a career hawking the right-wing agenda.
Turner subsequently managed to land a role on Friday Night Lights (portraying a good Christian Texas football mom), but the stint was rather short-lived. After only a dozen or so episodes, she found herself relegated to guest opinion appearances on Fox News (O’Reilly, Hannity, Huckabee, America Live with Megyn Kelly) and her very own conservative political talk-radio show in 2011. She now drags her equally kooky brainwashed teen daughter through the dregs of Tea Party propaganda highlighted by her delusional public “birther” rantings.
Look, you can love Obama, you can hate him. Whatever. But how stupid must one be to actually believe that United fucking States of America would allow a non-native born citizen (or a citizen born abroad by parental birthright) to be elected President by way of sloppy paperwork? I mean, we’ve had our fair share of embarrassing fuck-ups over the past 230+ years, but please. If you declare that Obama does not (or even might not) meet the citizenship requirements to hold public office, then you’re either a liar with an agenda or you’re a gullible fucking moron. And based on the video below and just one of many whiny tirades, this month’s honoree appears to be a bit of both.
So ladies and germs, without further ado, allow me to introduce Constitutional law scholar, the Honorable Janine Turner…
I’ll close with this eye opener and a whiff of the sweet young nut that hasn’t fallen far from the tree.
Ms. Turner would love to hear from you.
January 2013: Mel Gibson
Since we all survived the Apocalypse, let’s kick off the new year with a Godless Bastard tribute to one of the biggest assholes on the planet.
Profession: Trainwreck
Best Known For: Alcohol-soaked anti-Semitic tirade during his DUI arrest
Greatest Achievement: Irreparably destroying a respected A-List career
Future Ambition: To rid the world of kikes, niggers, and fags
Positive Spin: Dude gave us Braveheart
Cool Factoid: Maintains a lackluster 8:1 children to nights-in-jail ratio
Douche Substratum: Cunt
Douche Factor: Indeterminate as calculator extends to only 10 digits
I was going to rip this prick a new one, but I decided instead to let this awful human being bury himself in a pile of his own quotes. All of the following came from this pious man who once said, “There is no salvation for those outside the church.”
“I will report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks.”
- From a phone conversation with ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, about an employee.
“You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault.”
- From a phone conversation with Grigorieva.
“Look what you did to me…look what you are…look what every part of you is…fucking fake… fucking fake…You are the most synthetic person…who the fuck are you?”
- From a phone conversation with Grigorieva.
“I am going to come and burn the fucking house down…but you will blow me first.”
- From a phone conversation with Grigorieva.
“You know what, you fucking deserved it.”
- To Grigorieva after she asked, “What kind of man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face?”
“I own Malibu…I am going to fuck you.”
- To the arresting officer during his 2006 DUI arrest.
“Fucking Jews…The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world…Are you a Jew?”
- To a male officer during the arrest.
“What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”
-To a female officer during the arrest.
“I want to kill him…I want his intestines on a stick…I want to kill his dog.”
- About New York Times reporter Frank Rich, who (in 2003) criticized The Passion of the Christ.
“They take it up the ass. [laughs, stands up, bends over, points to anus] This is only for taking a shit.”
-To Spanish newspaper El Pais (in 1991) when asked what he thinks of gays.
“With this look, who’s going to think I’m gay? I don’t lend myself to that type of confusion. Do I look like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?”
-From the El Pais interview.
“I’ll apologize when hell freezes over. They can fuck off.”
- To Playboy (in 1995) about whether he’d issue an apology to gays and lesbians.
“I am one tough motherfucker and you can’t bother me anymore. You ask anybody what their number one fear is and it’s public humiliation. Multiply that on a global scale and that’s what I’ve been through. It changes you and makes you one tough motherfucker. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
- From an interview with The Telegraph explaining why, no matter how much we abhor, ridicule, and shun this man, we will never be able to get rid of him.
Listen to the actual recordings here, here, and here.
December 2012: Steve Harvey
Profession: Asshole
Best Known For: Dressing like a stereotypical black man on his way to church
Greatest Achievement: Achieving comedic fame in spite of not being funny
Future Ambition: To expunge personal history of infidelity
Dirty Little Secret: All the dirty little secrets about him are true
Positive Spin: Always well-groomed and dressed (for court)
Douche Substratum: Hypocrite
Douche Factor: 92%
Among his many sins, this flaming fuckstick and acknowledged philanderer went on Trinity Broadcasting Network and pontificated to its viewers that women must wait at least 3 months before having sex with their boyfriends. First, I want to know where this citadel of enlightenment divined the magical number of 3 months. Regardless, I find this to be an interesting curiosity as the bible makes it crystal clear that fucking is reserved for married couples only.
You see, Harvey is a philandering hypocrite, and he wants to secure the right to dig into some pussy after his current wife eventually leaves his sorry ass – or he bails on hers for something newer to fuck. He’ll worry about the 3 month thing when the time comes, but I’d wager my last fucking dime that this asshole never has, never would, and never will wait 3 months. I suspect he’ll do what he desires and then claim to “have fallen short of the glory of god” like all Christians do when they fail at what they preach. But what I love most is how this asshole reacts when his critics call him out.
On a side note, would someone please explain what the fuck was going on with Harvey’s former hairline [below]?
How exactly did he do this, or did god just design him that way? It’s all quite vexing.
There are more reasons to hate this prick than Baskin-Robbins flavors, but this proof alone is enough to earn Mr. Harvey the rank of Supreme High Exalted Atheist-Hating Twat:
Where do we get our moral barometer? Steve, you’re a fucking moron. Because atheists are far more evolved than Christians, we get our morality and sense of right and wrong the sincere and honest way. We get it from our parents in the way we’re raised and by the mores of our society.
You, on the other hand, are so fucking depraved that you must be SCARED into behaving by some spooky sky deity. You see, if it wasn’t for your deluded belief in god you’d be raping and murdering little girls. Or wouldn’t you?
Mr. Harvey, your stupid argument fails on too many levels to count. You’re a fucking child. Grow up.
November 2012: Kirk Cameron
Profession: Washed-up 80′s actor [retired by force]
Best Known For: Pretending to have once been an atheist
Greatest Achievement: Fucking Chelsea Noble after stealing her from John Stamos
Future Ambition: Going to live with Jesus
Dirty Little Secret: Once gave Ray Comfort a blow job on a dare *
Positive Spin: Never strangled a vagrant to death because, you know, that would be a sin
Douche Substratum: Jackass
Douche Factor: 110%
In the world of celebrity Christian douchebaggery, only a twit like Kook Cameron could own the title of King D-Bag. This flaming moron somehow managed to syphon another 15 minutes of fame from a rectum-full of strangely successful 80′s TV teen cheese notoriety.
All those shit bible miracles pale in comparison to the fact that Growing Pains, one of THE most obnoxiously bad sitcoms in the history of television, enjoyed a shocking seven years (1985-1992) of primetime network suck-cess. This might account for Kirk’s onset of extreme religious delusion after a ten-year period of washedupedness.
In 2002, in a flaccid attempt to manufacture a calling as minister, to further convince himself that he was doing god’s work, and to resurrect his former somewhat famous self, Cameron teamed up with Kiwi Christian author Ray Comfort (a former Heeb) to found his own evangelical TV show ministry, The Way of the Master. This spectacle still airs on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, but if you haven’t eaten in the last 30 minutes, sample his shamefully bad episodes on YouTube and try not to hurl on your clown shoes.
Among Kirk’s many embarrassing public gaffs were his participation in Bananagate (2006) and the Nightline Face-Off massacre (2007) – again bringing Ray Comfort along for the ride in both.
Cameron continues to share his virus of behavioral and emotional enslavement with every camera and potential victim within an earshot.
* Okay, fine, maybe it was twice…and on not so much of a dare.
October 2012: Stephen Baldwin
Profession: Being Alec Baldwin’s brother
Best Known For: Being Alec Baldwin’s brother
Greatest Achievement: Being Alec Baldwin’s brother
Future Ambition: Being Alec Baldwin’s brother
Filed for Bankruptcy: 07-21-2009
Positive Spin: Not nearly as fucked up as numbskull brother Billy
Douche Substratum: Buffoon
Douche Factor: 82%
Okay, I’ll confess. I think he’s pretty funny. I’ll put him on my funny list to be fair, but we’re talking about Christian douchebaggery today.
When this youngest of the four Baldwin brothers isn’t busy forging the resume of a marginally talented actor (at best), Stephen chases C-List fame on really bad reality TV shows, maintains his status as washed up celebrity, makes terminally poor life decisions, and shares his religious delusion with anyone who will listen. I mean, this idiot tattooed “HM” on his shoulder in exchange for a cameo appearance on Hanna Montana, and in 2008 pledged to leave the U.S. permanently if Obama was elected (later claiming it was just a joke). But Stephen’s most egregious offense came in 1996 when he starred opposite Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome. Clearly, Mr. Baldwin is too stupid to live.
In 2006, Baldwin released his book titled The Unusual Suspect, a titled pun of the one decent film he ever made, which regurgitates highlights from his personal life, career, years of drug abuse, and ultimate commitment to irrationality by becoming a born-again Christian after the 9/11 attacks. Later that year he co-founded Breakthrough Ministry, a Christian cult featuring extreme sports to lure in muttonheads and other white trash.
In 2007, Baldwin endorsed Mike Huckabee for President and later switched to McCain/Palin after Huckabee dropped from the race.
In 2008, Baldwin teamed up with conservative talk-radio host Kevin McCullough to create a new radio show for the promotion of his religious delusion. Baldwin then relaunched his ministry as a for-profit organization under the name Antioch Ministry, which exists “to facilitate the gifts and calling of Stephen Baldwin.” I still struggle to see either – aside from the gift of bad reality TV and the calling of financial ruin.
In 2009, Baldwin launched his third ministry called Now More Than Ever, targeting enlisted men and women in the military who kill brown people to secure and advance god-fearing American interests around the world.
Baldwin has since been spiraling downward in profound financial distress. Godless Bastard predicts brazen infidelity and a raging return to substance abuse when Stephen hits rock bottom sometime in early 2015.
Amen.