How to Fuck a Conservative
Do you agonize over the ideal gift purchase for your god-mocking liberal friends and relatives? Well, do I have the perfect solution for you!
She scrawny, she’s nasty, she’s an idiot, she’s annoying – but you’d still fuck Ann Coulter. Admit it. You would. And that’s okay.
But how can you stomach her vile personality long enough to get the job done?
I was so inspired by Ms. Coulter’s 2004 offering, How To Talk To a Liberal (If You Must) that I decided to pen one of my own for those of you faced with a similar quandary.
No one really wants to fuck conservative, but sometimes you just have to throw caution and disgust to the wind for the sake of short-term sexual pleasure.
I know what you’re thinking. How could I possibly enjoy a sexual encounter with someone so logically impaired and morally off-center? Well, you can if you know the secret, and I’m giving it away for the low price of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).
Learn the techniques and trade secrets employed by liberal sex professionals and like-minded horny people in all the red states across our great Christian nation. In just a few days, you’ll be able to attain maximum pleasure while balling even the most offensive right-wing nutcase.
In the first two chapters I reveal 28 morally inoffensive sexual positions for the prudish, 13 voice-muffling choke holds, 101 Christian agenda avoidance techniques, and 50 exit strategies to minimize all offending political commentary before, during, and after coitus and questionable sexual acts that most conservatives would declare illegal in all states except California and certain counties in Alabama. And at under $20, that’s a whole lot of BANG for the buck!
See Mary Matalin (below) complaining about hubby James Carville’s manhood on “Meet The Press.”
“I wish I had known about GB’s book before I shackled myself to that uptight battle axe. Sex with Mary is like watching C-SPAN and her shrill bed talk would make a horny virgin schoolboy go limp. It’s too late for me but save yourself. Buy this book!”
Sorry pal. I wish I could have been there for you. But on the upside, chapter 21 maps out a comprehensive plan for removing the offending appendage and starting over with the likes of Debbie Schlussel or William Kristol. And it all comes with a Money Back Guarantee!
Okay, so this book is just a joke, but feel free to send me the twenty bucks anyway. I’m not proud.
Special thanks to Chuckie B. Badd for the cool book cover artwork.