Delving into the admittedly sophomoric (and childishly funny) taunting of Christians, I ask you to first familiarize yourself with the gift of our Bible Warning Label offering.

The day after receiving this gem from a fan of the site I bought some stickers and printed the first batch of 50 in the hope that many great opportunities would soon come along. I placed a few sheets in my car and the rest in my laptop case.

Early one morning just two weeks later I found myself at Starbucks slurping a latte and munching on a reduced-fat blueberry muffin while enjoying a Pat Condell YouTube video. [Take a moment to visualize me munching a muffin in public at 8:00 in the morning, you sicko.] And in the door walked another lovely pastry – a reduced logic Christian muffin – who took the next seat to my left. Sipping an Iced Messiah Mochachino through a straw, she commenced with her morning bible study session.

Trying to remain optimistic with my eye on successful label placement, I reached discreetly into my laptop case and peeled off a sticker. I quickly determined optimal placement to be the tip of my left index finger, so I positioned the precious lode as required and kept it to my side just below the table to my left, hidden from view. I impatiently waited for my moment to strike.

Shortly thereafter, little Miss Bible departed to the restroom. The holy document now sat alone and unguarded. Sweet Jesus! Finally a chance to get some return on my unholy investment.

Seizing the opportunity to deface the work of fiction, I launched into action…until the creepy old guy in Swifty Lazar eyeglasses sitting across from me sensed that something foul was afoot. Crap! Foiled by the AARP Patrol.

But then, as if the hand of Satan reached up from the depths of hell to assist with my most blasphemous plan, a piping hot coffee-related mishap at the far opposite end of the store distracted the old boy along with everyone else. As all the heads turned toward the noise I launched back into action.

I had but a second to respond. I don’t know how the hell I was able to pull it off, but with one quick lunge and swipe (using only one hand), I flipped open the cover and spread the sticker onto the very first page – just below the title, perfectly level. The cover closed on its own weight as I withdrew my hand, and I managed to plant my ass back on my seat a split second before anyone turned back to notice. Mission accomplished, perfectly executed. Amen.

Ordinarily I would have placed the label on the outer/front cover but opted out for obvious reasons. Sadly, I have no picture of the bible after its defiling. As it was I had to move quickly and stealthily. There was no time to snag a photo of my masterpiece.

Okay, now it’s your turn. Do it. Do it now. The power of The Sticker compels you!
 

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