Cherries Jewbilee

You all know by now that while fundamentalists (of any religious ideology) make me puke all over my new Nikes, I at least extend them a modicum of respect for those beliefs and practices for which they remain consistent. Delusional as they may be, at least they adhere to their doctrine and practices as prescribed, by and large. This is what you invariably get when you deal with off-the-chart zealot letter-of-the-law fundamentalist nutbags. But the believers who really make my blood boil are the cherry picking hypocrites you’ll find in every congregation. And let’s not kid ourselves. This represents the vast majority of theists around the world. But because I’m an equal opportunity offender, today we’re gonna rip into my own people, the Tribe of Judah.

Every Jew who’s studied Hebrew knows that Rosh Hashanah means “excuse to not go into the office.” And Yom Kippur translates to “get a day off from work.” Well, okay, maybe not literally, but that’s what they both mean to so many wannabe/pretend “two-day-a-year” Jews. Fact is, it’s a rare thing to find many of these Judeo cherry pickers attending synagogue on the Sabbath (weekly, as commanded by god) or on lesser holidays of which there are many throughout the year. When confronted with such a charge, their catch-all excuse generally falls within the scope of two very narrow ploys.

The first is the “I’m doing the best I can” excuse. This is the equivalent of a pregnant woman cutting down from 3 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day and using it as an excuse to continue smoking. You see, she’s doing the best she can. That must count for something, right? (No, it doesn’t.) Sorry, but you might as well chain smoke 10 packs a day. Your “best” is a hollow, insincere, and sorely misguided gesture that makes a mockery of those who take the practice seriously.

Now disingenuous morons are quick to say, “Are you trying to compare going to synagogue with endangering the life of a child?” Yes, I am. What part of GOD’S FUCKING COMMANDMENT to “remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy” (Exodus 20:8) do you not understand? The order came directly from god. (This is where you can make the Bastard very happy by admitting that the 10 Commandments, like everything else in the bible, are the creation of man, not god.) But there exists no such commandment to abstain from smoking while pregnant. As a Jew (or at least a real one) you have no say in the matter. The bible is quite clear on this:

Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. – Exodus 31:14

Keeping the Sabbath holy is required, and death comes to those who don’t, whereas god remained rather silent on protecting unborn children from sins of the flesh and other such vices. The prior clearly trumps the latter.

Click here to see the specific rules regarding conduct on the Sabbath, and don’t forget god’s stated penalty for breaking them. But hypocrites do as hypocrites are, and they need a loophole when god’s laws get a little too inconvenient. Learn all about the Eruv and be prepared to vomit in your mouth.

Senseless of Community

The second ploy is what I call the “sense of community” excuse. These dimwitted numbnuts claim that attending services on the high holidays fills their need to bond with other Jews in the community. This, of course, is nonsensical disingenuous bullshit. Even if anyone believed you, how sincere could you possibly be to have such a craving only two days a year?

So you want feel like part of the community? Join a fucking book club. At least you’ll see those people more than twice a year. PTA meetings not good enough for you? At least you’d be lending a concerned hand to the scholastic success of your children and the future of your community. Volunteer to work in a soup kitchen now and then. There’s also the Kiwanis Club and your local Chamber of Commerce. Or how about attending a weekly City Council meeting? Hell, just try going once a month. There is no better example of community belonging than that, so give up your lame, tired excuses. And if the Jewish aspect is really that important to you, join your local JCC and quit your bellyaching. Mazel tov. You now have Jews to commune with all year long.

But as for your twice a year temple appearance, what kind of “sense of community” is so lacking in your life that is satisfied in six hours twice a year observing a holiday that you probably know little about anyway? Stop spewing such bullshit because you sound like an idiot and no one believes you. We all know that you’re reciting the prayers and songs phonetically anyway because what little Hebrew you remember ends with the alphabet and a few holiday salutations.

Some who are a bit more clever in their response will attempt to sidestep the accusation of hypocrisy with the following overused retort: “I go to high holiday services to reflect upon my life.” Oh, go fuck yourself.

This response falls short of sincerity and logic. Tell me, do you really believe the shit you’re shoveling? Two days a year? You clean your god damn toilet with greater frequency, or at least I hope you do. Reflecting yearly upon your life and repenting (as if that actually meant something above and beyond the New Year’s resolutions that you never fulfill) is like wiping your ass once every 365 days. If I need to explain this to you then the exercise of reflection and repentance itself is a colossal waste of your time. The notion that one can muster up a connection to their synagogue two days a year is shameful and insulting to the institution.

And the whole fasting on Yom Kippur thing? Just who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? (It’s a dirty little secret, but virtually ALL of these lying sack of shit cherry pickers cheat during the day. “I have to eat. I have low blood sugar!”)

Know that your average non-orthodox Jew doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the high holidays…not in the abstract they don’t. They want the day off from work so they can play the part, claim some connection to the faith, and see who’s dressed the nicest. (Don’t you just hate that bitch with the $2,000 Louis Vuitton handbag?) Again, you ain’t foolin’ no one.

For those of you who aren’t Jewish, know that synagogues require the purchase of tickets to attend high holiday services – sometimes even for dues-paying members. Regardless, non-members always have to pay, and the tickets are always expensive. One person I know (the one who inspired this rant), goes running off to a very exclusive synagogue in a very affluent area – like off the charts affluent – every year at the expense of her friend’s parents who are members of that congregation. Believe me when I tell you, if it wasn’t for their generosity you wouldn’t see her within a mile of synagogue – especially one in a crappy neighborhood. For her it’s a day to get dressed up, be out of the office, and rub elbows with the wealthy crowd she’d kill to roll with in a world-famous ocean-side city that inspires envy in everyone who doesn’t live there.

Something Ain’t Kosher

Cherry picking within Judaism is not limited to congregational attendance. It extends to other doctrinal practices from the bible itself. My favorite example is the contingent of morons who claim to [making sarcastic quote fingers] “keep kosher.”

The nerve of these jackasses. Kashrut laws are binary; you either follow them in totality or you don’t follow them at all. End of discussion. You can’t be a little pregnant and you can’t keep a little kosher. You either do or you don’t. Period. You don’t get to choose which aspects of the dietary laws are for the following.

Again, you’ll hear these duplicitous cherry pickers play the “I’m doing the best I can” card when asked for an explanation of their rather odd and selective dietary practices. They don’t eat pork for whatever inane reason they refuse to articulate, but they sure do love their shrimp, lobster, and cheeseburgers – hold the bacon of course. Some keep kosher inside the house, but outside anything goes. And some of these hypocrites bring traif (non-kosher food) into the house but eat it off paper plates with plastic eating utensils. Can you believe the nerve of these fucking people?

But aside from making a mockery of these ancient (and required) dietary laws, these imbeciles reveal themselves to be religious poseurs who follow only those practices they find convenient. Shame on them all.

Feel free to pick your nose until it bleeds, but don’t cherry pick which doctrinal rules to follow. Play by the rules for the right reasons or get the hell off the field. You know you don’t believe in the god of the bible anyway, so stop with the yearly theatrics.
 

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