Hall of Shame: Janet Piper
If you’re new to the site you probably won’t be familiar with my former Spam-a-Fundy feature. The way it worked was simple. All you had to do was submit an email address and the system would automatically pump out a snarky message to smack the desired recipient upside the head and direct them to this site. It’s annoying, perfectly legal, and an unfortunate byproduct of the internet. (Life’s tough. Get over it.)
At any rate, after 4 years of spamming activity and some fair and reasonable introspection, I decided to retire the feature. It was spam, and spam isn’t fair.
But while the feature was operational, someone submitted Pastor Janet Piper’s email address.
Sent: Saturday, November 07, 2009 5:44 AM
Subject: Re: Got Jesus?
FIRST OF ALL… REMOVE ME FROM YOUR “SATANIC” EMAIL LIST. “IF” I RECEIVE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR EMAILS, I WILL REPORT IT! Even the demons believe there is a God and TREMBLE!!!!!
OH HOW I PRAY YOU GET DELIVERANCE AND SALVATION FOR ONE DAY YOU WILL REMEMBER THIS EMAIL.. YOU WILL WISH YOU WOULD HAVE NOT CALLED ME A GODLESS B. BUT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE CALLED UPON GOD HIMSELF . HE LOVES YOU EVEN IN YOUR MESS.
HOWEVER, REMOVE ME AND PLEASE TELL ME WHO IT WAS THAT ADDED MY NAME TO YOUR STUPID LIST.
It would appear that Ms. Piper did not approve of my general evildoing. I might have expected an urbane sermon about getting myself right with god, but I’m always content to get uncontrollable zealotry, fire, and brimstone.
“OH HOW I PRAY YOU GET DELIVERANCE?” (Did she actually write “Oh how I pray?” That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?)
And she threatens me with an “IF” in quotes. And the quotes imply what exactly?
Okay, so it’s obvious that this little ray of sunshine (that’s her on the left) never gets laid. She’s too wrapped up in Satan and hellfire to be concerned with sins of the flesh.
But at least Janet’s polite. She did say “please” when asking for the name of the person who added her to my “stupid list.”
Those who claim to be “secure in him” (as her email address proclaims) always – ALWAYS – demonstrate the opposite to be true when the right buttons are pushed. So after predictably stewing in it for about two minutes, the good Pastor went back to my website, copied the disclaimer from my welcome page, modified it (below), and clicked the Send button.
Finally, proselytizers are not welcomed visitors. If your intent is to sling DEMONIC LIES AND ATHEISTIC VIEWS you might as well STOP EMAILING ME now because you’ll only be wasting your time. Such panic fire yields harmless bullets here.
Man, that’s an awful lot of religious insecurity coming from someone who claims to be secure in god. True faith would have ignored my stupid email.