Borne of Insecurity

Okay, so we all know that our existence as atheists poses a threat to Christians (and other religiously deluded sheep) on many levels. The list of reasons why they twitch at the mere thought of us is rather lengthy, but the prime reason is that atheism, by it’s very definition, labels all theists as deluded and detached from reality in a very real way, at least as it pertains to distinguishing fantasy from reality.

If Christians had an ounce of true faith and intellectual security, they’d ignore us. They wouldn’t engage us in debate or respond to anything we say. But they do. You see, they’re incapable of walking away basking in their truth and salvation. And we all know why.

But no, instead Christians react as they do. They knee-jerk in lathery self-incrimination. Admittedly, some are better than others in executing the nervous tic of their insecurity, but I’m all about keeping the game fair. And so I humbly submit this Christian knee-jerk primer.

Each section below feature a knee-jerk trigger – something said, implied, or done by an atheist (or atheism in general) that causes your garden-variety Christian to knee-jerk all of over the god damn place.

Trigger 1: Stupidity or Gullibility of Believers

When your deep religious insecurity surfaces and you begin to feel silly or foolish and irked because some god-mocking asshole labeled you as deluded or intellectually impaired, attempt to turn the tables by vomiting forth one or more of the following:

• Declare that they reject the notion of a personal god out of fear over what they don’t understand.
• Declare that they scoff at the possibility of omnipotent lawgiver because they don’t want to be held accountable for their actions.
• Accuse them of hating god because of prior life trauma or unpleasant childhood indoctrination. Pretend to be unaware that it’s mind-numbingly stupid to argue that one can “hate” something they believe is imaginary, or…
• With shameless indifference to any projected arrogance and bravado, claim certain knowledge of another’s mind and declare that the atheist in question actually believes in god and struggles to accept (or refuses to admit) it. To soften the edge of your arrogance just a bit, you may opt for the “you believe deep down inside” approach.
• Cherry-pick your beliefs to sidestep any association with patent nubaggery or anything else that makes you look like a fucking moron.
• Tell the offender that you’ll pray for them.

Trigger 2: Interrogation of Christian Doctrine

When interrogated about your doctrine or beliefs by some arrogant, sarcastic [making quote fingers] “skeptic” with a superiority complex:

• Dodge all direct questions and pretend that no such questions were ever asked. But if you’re browbeaten or goaded into answering the SPECIFIC questions asked…
• Obfuscate or engage in subterfuge. Accusing the interrogator of being “mean” is highly recommended.
• And never, under any circumstance, answer any Yes or No type question. Stay in the gray and never commit to a firm position that you might ever be called on. (Avoid any discussion about absolute morality and abortion if possible as a yes or no will make it impossible to reconcile your jaw-dropping hypocrisy when rape and incest enter the fray.)
• Accuse the offender of being a heartless killjoy who only wants to (a) destroy a source of comfort in belief that billions of people need to cope, and (b) drag others down so that they can feel superior.
• Tell the offender that you’ll pray for them.

Trigger 3: Mastrudebate

When debating an atheist and every word you defecate is body slammed into incoherence:

• Two Words: Straw Man (a.k.a. Aunt Sally)
• Put words in your opponent’s mouth to subtly shift the point in your favor.
• Distort all facts (i.e. make shit up) to mesh with your inane beliefs.
• Pull tortured logic out of your ass to rationalize your delusion.
• Obfuscate or engage in subterfuge. Accusing the interrogator of being “mean” is highly recommended.
• As you have no argument to defend you doctrine, downgrade your claim(s) or move the goalposts to score some semblance of a win, or attempt to rally the angry masses by playing the “racist” card. Make sure to play dumb (if the latter is chosen) and pretend not to recognize that racism applies to race, not religion.
• Scream a lot about Stalin and Pol Pot.
• Preach.
• Tell the offender that you’ll pray for them.

Trigger 4: Sticks & Stones

When your stupidity, gullibility, weakness, cowardice, general religious delusion, or any other adjective that might undermine your intelligence or lucidity is mentioned or implied:

• Stick your index finger in their face and scream “AD HOMINEM!” like a fucking Banshee.
• Don’t do what Jesus would do by turning the other cheek. Instead, open the gates of hell and let loose with your most profane, vulgar, and threatening lock ‘n load.
• Tell the offender that you’ll pray for them.

As I wish to make this list as comprehensive as possible, please feel free to send me your favorite Christian knee-jerk reactions as categorized.
 

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