When Hot Meets Sexless

If you don’t know who she is, Lolo Jones is a world-class track and field athlete and Olympian, she’s super hot, she’s 30 years old (as of September 2012), and she’s a fucking virgin…by choice. Okay, maybe not a fucking virgin, but you get my point. Lolo has gone public, and loudly so, about her mission to remain a virgin until she’s married. She gone on record that her motive is religion-based [read: Christian] and that she wants her virginity to be a gift to her future husband.

Cherry-Picking the Cherry

We can all agree that there are MANY hypocritical Christians who claim technical virginity by abstaining from sexual intercourse but engage in other sexual acts for the gratification they provide. Clearly these people are disingenuous jackasses. Clearly these people are hypocrites. And clearly these people are NOT virgins – not by any lucid definition of sex. All they’re doing is deluding themselves that they know something about human sexuality that the rest of us don’t.

Ladies, if you really think you’re sidestepping carnal sin and retaining the status of virgin by letting some guy stick his cock in your ass instead of your vagina then you’re too fucking stupid to live. And once you concede that anal intercourse strips you of your virginity (and it does), then the entire sexual house of cards comes down. And godly gentlemen, the same goes for you. A virgin is someone who lives a sexually pure and virtuous life. Vaginal, anal, oral, whatever. So fuck you and your decidedly convenient definition of virginity. If you have firsthand carnal knowledge from personal hands-on experience, you ain’t no virgin.

Sex is sex is sex.

A Fair Concession

So let’s get a few things out of the way. I have no problem with Lolo as human being. I’ll happily stipulate that she’s a decent person, and I harbor no animosity toward her personally. I have no problem with her choice to believe what she believes theologically-speaking as it is her right. And I’m certainly not going to label her a hypocrite. A hypocrite is someone who preaches one thing (words and/or actions) yet does another, such is the case with someone who claims technical virginity as previously described. Lolo may in fact be a hypocrite as it pertains to the subject matter at hand, but I have no proof, I will not assume that she is, and I won’t even suggest the slightest likelihood that she could be. In fact, the opposite seems more than likely true.

For the record, I believe that Lolo is a virgin in every sense. And it’s such a fucking shame. OMFG. (Sorry ladies. Call me a pig, guilty as charged, but the woman is seriously hot.)

Okay, so where were we? Focus, Bastard. Focus!

I’m obviously okay with her nudeness and raw sex appeal. But what I’m accusing Ms. Jones of is being offensively dichotomous in her Christian walk and talk.

I Only Look Like I Fuck

Lolo, like so many (if not most) Christians, wants to have her cake and eat it too. If she (or anyone else for that matter) wishes to remain a virgin until they’re engaged in holy matrimony, fine. Fuckin’ good for her. And I really mean that. But check your sexual shit at the door and prepare to eat a big prudish bowl of modesty until there’s a wedding ring on your god damn finger, Ms. Jones, because you’re now walking the very fine line of duality.

Lolo got bare like a stripper off the pole [shown left] for ESPN’s 2009 Body Issue. In the accompanying interview she said, “I asked the pastor at my church if he’d still let me come to church on Sunday,” yet never went on to articulate his response. Not to distract from the point I’m going to make, but neither a positive nor negative response from this man of god would have been good for Ms. Jones or her religion as a whole if you think about it.

Is there anything in the bible (old or new testament) that declares posing nude a sin of some sort? Not that I’m aware of. It may very well be, and that alone would back up my assertion (as well as prove her to be a hypocrite), but I don’t care. Even if breaching modesty and bearing it all publicly isn’t a sin, it still wouldn’t really matter. I don’t believe in sin. Sin an innately meaningless word that derives all value through societal relativity. My beef here is not whether Lolo is sinning by appearing nude (in whole or obscured) publicly. My problem with Ms. Jones is her jaw-dropping and rationally indefensible duality.

Side Note: Check out the 2010 USA Women’s Water Polo Team. Please Jesus, put me in that pool. Amen.

I’m Too Sexy For My Flirt

Don’t take my word for it. Do your own independent research. Draw a quick sniff of Lolo’s come hither street persona via Google to verify all that I represent here.

Once this woman steps off the race track you’ll be hard pressed to find much of her that doesn’t look like this [shown right and below left].

Is she asking men to fuck her? Nah. I don’t think so. Is she [making quote fingers] “askin’ for it?” Not that I can see. Is there anything immoral about the way she presents herself? Not in my book. Is there any reason why she shouldn’t make herself look presentable, feminine, and attractive? Nope. And I neither said nor implied that she shouldn’t.

So then what’s the fucking problem?

The Fucking Problem

I can’t help but feel a little insulted that it must be explained, but I suppose we all have to account for the utterly clueless and disingenuous.

The fucking problem, in a word, is nerve – at the very least. What you behold is her unmitigated gall.

While I can’t label Ms. Jones a hypocrite for the technicality of her [stipulated] sexless existence, it takes a very special kind of person to openly, loudly, and repeatedly maintain her virginity for 30 years as a wedding night gift for some man who she has yet to meet yet STRIP NAKED FOR A VERY PUBLIC PHOTO SHOOT THAT MILLIONS OF MEN WILL OGLE and probably yank the holy gherkin whilst doing so.

That the nude photo was presented tastefully is wholly irrelevant. The fact that she shared some degree of nakedness with the public flies in the face of modesty which is the central pillar of virginity. What you have here are walk and talk that mix like oil and water. It’s the pinnacle of repugnant dichotomy.

As for her aforementioned “come hither” photos, while modesty might not be a fair point to argue, they’re wildly inconsistent with the mettle of a 30 year old who’s never been fucked.

Lolo’s skin display is akin to the militant animal rights activist who publicly throws buckets of red paint [to simulate blood] on the genuine fur coats of celebrities, yet wears faux fur coats because they like the way they look. To me, wearing the hide of any animal that was raised specifically to be slaughtered for fashion is morally wrong and offensive, and wearing a simulated alternative clearly isn’t. However, I’m not protesting the former with a physical assault.

Ms. Jones, you’re a deluded idiot if you think that this red carpet shit is consistent with the very publicly self-professed mission to save yourself for marriage. Darling, it would appear that you’ve saved very little and have already shared very much which ironically devalues your “gift.”

There are countless fashion options (and paparazzi poses) through which you may publicly express your outer beauty and femininity. And one need not look very far. Feel free to remain a fucking virgin until you’re 90, but tone down the peep show of raw sex appeal. Please retain some minor parity of walk and talk if only to curb the appearance of your jaw-dropping chutzpah.

A Gift For Whom?

First let’s set aside the growing Christian “purity movement” in which children, both girls and boys, are encouraged [read: scared, shamed, and guilted] into pledging to remain virgins until marriage.

Take note that this pledge reaches far beyond intercourse. All members promise to remain sexually pure. We’re taking total abstinence. There are no exceptions drawn for any sexual act outside of fucking. This in and of itself makes it painfully clear what the word “virgin” really means to the movement – hypocritical definitions and rationalizations notwithstanding.

While I will not completely discount the religious influence, know that this pledge of purity is far more influenced by daddy’s burning need to keep boys from fucking his daughter. How can we know this? Because even non-Christian dads don’t want boys fucking their daughters. Must I really point this out?

I’ll happily concede that the dogmatic motivation to preserve virginity does apply to boys as well as it does to girls, but please, let’s not kid ourselves people. The entire movement revolves around the girls. And we all know why. It’s such a mindfuck that it lingers into adulthood for some, like Ms. Jones, who’ve been sufficiently brainwashed by this gender-biased bullshit. But the dogma gets pushed aside as men age, and society gives them a hall pass to freely seek some mugambo as the need arises.

But what we’re discussing today is Lolo Jones, and she’s an adult. This is where I can make the dead-on accurate statement that aside from very rare aberrant instances, Christian men do not spout off about “saving themselves” for marriage. When’s the last time you heard any man anywhere bloviate about giving the “gift” of his virginity to his wife on their wedding night? Who was it? Tim Tebow? Go ahead and compile a list. I can’t wait to read it. But the number of adult women who have been scared, shamed, and guilted into a sexless existence is staggering. This is awfully one-sided, don’t you think?

But let’s take it a step further.

I’d love to ask Ms. Jones if (a) she expects her future husband to be a virgin, and (b) she’s lucid enough to recognize that the “gift” of her virginity is pissed away with a slap on the face if he isn’t.

Lolo, darling, I think you need to wake up to the fact that (at 30) you’re not likely to find the man of your dreams who’s also a virgin – unless perhaps you plan on marrying a young 20-something abstaining Christian who has yet to cave to his innate sexual urges. And should you marry a man whose not a virgin (and I’ll wager my entire 401k that you eventually will), you will have made an irreparable joke of this thing you have guarded so zealously for 30 years. Remember, you’re doing this for religious reasons. If this future recipient of your gift shares your faith and you consider yourself to be his equal, it’s not much of a gift if he can’t give the same to you in exchange. Think about that.

She may never admit it publicly, but I’d wager a buffalo nickel that Lolo will eventual regret this tortuous, unreasonable, and wholly (not holy) unnecessary sacrifice – if she doesn’t already. (Can you say in too deep?)

Ironically, Lolo needs some in too deep. And really bad I imagine.

But I’ll be fair and give Ms. Jones the final word to defend her disingenuous self. Here’s her patently bullshit rationalization. It’s art, plus another self-sacrificing charitable Christian athlete is doing the same.
 

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