Crazy for God
Her loss of emotional control could be the manifestation of profound religious delusion, or perhaps a really good orgasm. You decide.
Well, at least no one can accuse her of inappropriate conduct for a fucking graduation address.
We’ve seen his face in tree bark, water stains, window smudges, dental x-rays, wax drippings, and even on a greasy grilled cheese sandwich. But last week, Jeremiah Funk, a 37 year old convenience store night manager from Weehauken, New Jersey, spotted the image of Jesus on Grammy Award winning artist Aaron Neville’s face mole. Once thought to be a misplaced Milk Dud, this dermatologic mishap brings god’s message of hope and love to the world.
Aw, just kiddin’, Aaron. Bite-size chocolate-covered caramel or Savior, you rock.
Meet Marguerite Perrin, stark raving mad lunatic and first-class religious zealot. In 2005 she made a colossal ass of herself on FOX Network’s reality TV show Trading Spouses.
To her credit, she subsequently went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and laughed about her on-camera behavior.
When Kids Are Homeschooled
In May 2010, the Citadel of Delusion known as Liberty University featured a website article on the school’s graduation traditions, specifically cap decorating. Their editors failed to notice the appalling gaffe in their featured photo:
I find this delightfully satisfying as their website boasts a “World-Class Christian Education” tagline. Of this I’m certain.
Anyway, after sufficient mocking from the atheist community, they quietly swapped the photo for one not quite so embarrassing:
Weapon of Mass Destruction
Ever wonder what happens to a religiously deluded man of the cloth who never gets laid? He either diddles little boys, or he snaps. This dude (below) is clearly straight.
Look at it this way. A misdemeanor assault charge is far less embarrassing and infinitely cheaper in legal fees for the diocese than felony molestation.
Hussein vs. Sheen: Who Got More Pussy?
Okay, now pay attention kids. I’m gonna teach you all about Islam. (If you think I’m making any of this up, check it out for yourself.)
The Holy Qur’an promises you 72 virgins (known as “Houri”) in heaven when you die. Contrary to common belief, you don’t have to die a martyr for the cause to get all that hooch. All you have to do is just believe the bullshit story and you get some mighty fine desert ass in perpetuity .
Wanna know how sweet the goods are? Take some notes because you’ll might want to convert to Islam.
The Houri have been variously described as being chaste, untouched with a hymen unbroken by sexual intercourse, with large, firm, round breasts which are not inclined to hang, of equal age, child-free, and (here’s the BIG score) non-menstruating, non-urinating, and non-defecating. Sweet!
Okay, let’s recap. You get 72 hot chicks your age with big, firm tits who never crap, piss, or get their period. Ever. (I asssume this means that they also never fart, but belching is probably still on the table.) But none of these chicks have ever been violated so there are no kids to get in the way…and there are ABSOLUTELY NO SLOPPY SECONDS!
But this promise is a big fat lie. Wanna know how it really works?
Final Score: Sheen 72, Hussein 0
If it isn’t crystal clear to you yet, know that Islam just doesn’t deliver the goods. Sheenism is the only religon that gets you young hot chicks.
Irony in Numbers
The U.S. postal code for Topeka Kansas, throbbing clitoris of the Bible Belt and home of the Westboro Baptist Church and its illustrious leader Fred “God Hates Fags” Phelps, is 66616.
I don’t know what the deal is with this poor bastard or why he chose to honor us all with this uplifting vocal offering. I just thought it was funny.
Attention American Idol producers: Please, please, please find this guy. He’s what your open call auditions are all about.
Dress for Sexless
Just because you’re thoroughly detached from reality and controlled by an all-comsuming delusion doesn’t mean you can’t at least look good while pissing your life away.
So to meet all your godly wardrobe needs, I submit for your approval (and mild nausea)…
Horse and buggying it down to Daytona Beach for Rumspringa this year? Shuffling on over to Rio for the Carnivale Easter rave perhaps? Or just cooling your britches on the white sand beaches of Ibiza to ponder god’s wonders?
Well, don’t forget to visit our featured clothier for god-fearing beachgoers…
“We are so excited to now be offering modest swimwear to our line of modest apparel. Our Pure in Heart Swimdress was designed to be modest, comfortable, feminine and stylish. We offer a variety of beautiful swimwear fabrics to choose from. We pray that you would be blessed by this swimsuit as you glorify God in dress and all that you do!”
And make sure you check out their new slimming line (like it matters much at this point).
Reaching Out & Shaping Young Minds
A fan of the site took this photo at an auto show in Detroit a couple of years ago. It warms the cockles of my heart to see the youth of American take an interest in my work.
Okay, so maybe it is a doctored photo. Sue me.
In Genesis 38:9 (JKV) we have this dude who bangs his brother’s wife like a cheap gong but pulls out before depositing his load, thus giving us history’s first documented money shot.
“And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.”
Most porn directors would applaud such skill and self control, but the omni-benevolent sky daddy wizard didn’t care too much for Onan’s lack of respect for life, so he smote his ass.
So the bible teaches us this: If you nail your sister-in-law, make sure you knock her up good or god will fucking kill you. Oh yeah, and don’t jerk off either.
On a related note, read a typical tortured rationalization to explain this away while (at the same time) give themselves an excuse to jerk off and make sure their children behave. How decidedly convenient.
Gangsta 4 God
Meet the biblical scholar, motivational speaker, anger management counselor, and little ray of sunshine known as Reverend X.
WARNING: He ain’t followin’ whitey’s rules.
How to Witness
We all know how weak, vulnerable, and indecipherable all Christian apologetic arguments and refutations can be, so submitted for your approval is a demonstration of the proper way to effectively establish your position on any point of Christian doctrine.
The Godless Bastard is not responsible for any liability incurred through this manner of Christian outreach.
Thou Shall Not Spank
The following is an actual prayer request on the Apostolic Christian Church discussion board:
Please pray for me. I’ve never asked for the prayers of people I’ve never met, but I’m in desparate straits. I badly wish to serve God in purity, but am drowning in pornography. I’ve tried everything I can think of — Setting Capives Free (twice), an accountability partner, fervent prayer, internet filter, etc., and still I am plagued with sin and guilt. My soul feels spiritually dead, and I long to feel again the presence of the Holy Spirit. When I read the Word, I am confused between what appears to give hope to a Christian that has fallen back into sin, and what appears to give no hope. I’m starting to resign myself to the fact that there is no way out of this hell on earth, and that when it is complete, that is what I must also face for eternity.
Thank you for praying for me.
So what’s the big problem here dude? I drown in porn nightly.
How To Get Saved
Welcome to the Christian Learning Annex, a free educational service courtesy of the Godless Bastard.
Please save responsibly.
Christians Need Love Too
Ripped from the pages of Chemistry.com, I present someone who is not religious.
Her tagline [shown just below her age] reads: “Proverbs 18:22 Treasure” which, as taken from the King James bible, is “Whosoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the LORD.”
She then goes on to write, “I don’t consider myself ‘religious,’ but am a Christian with an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus.”
No Cindi, you’re not “religious” at all. I can’t imagine how anyone could get that idea.