The Fucking Mormons
Latter Day Silence
Hard to believe, but in the nearly nine years that Godless Bastard has been up I’ve offered no commentary about the Church of Latter Fuckin’ Day Saints. To this day it remains one of the most commonly asked questions that has eluded my FAQ.
So WTF’s up with that, Mr. Bastard?
A Little Salt (Lake City) on Your Nuts?
For reasons that will become abundantly clear, I chose to remain silent on LDS doctrine (i.e. The Book of Mormon and related church writings). And while I still don’t feel like burning four hours composing my latest frothy rant on the litany of lunacies and practices that a kooky, insular, Utah-based pseudo-Christian cult embraces and perpetuates, let me be generally clear on where I stand.
I could wax disgusted about the patently manufactured science fiction space travel-laced backstory of the Mormon flesh-and-blood man-deity as well as his only begotten son’s stint in the Americas (presumably to apply for a green card and open a new Crate & Barrel in Grand Rapids). But you already know this.
I could bloviate about the mitochondrial DNA evidence that ass-rapes the entirety of the Mormon history of the Americas delusion. But you already know this.
I could vomit forth stunning revelations about multiple gods, multiple heavens, and multiple worlds. But you already know this.
I could prattle on about their Magic Underoos, their baptisms for the dead, their strange health code, their autofuckingmatic priesthood for men [but not women], their super-duper top-secret marital passwords for lowly wives to enter the top-tier First-Class cabin of Mormon heaven, and the rest of their weirdo Cracker Jack box members-only hooey that gets their rocks off. But you already know this.
Or I could simply tell you that among the lengthy list of batshit crazy Grade-A hickory smoked pile of theological excrement that the overwhelming majority of humankind believes, Mormon feces sits at the very top of the list of sheer lunafuckincy. But you already know this.
So I won’t bother telling you.
Having said all this…
Hear Little Evil, See Little Evil
Admittedly I have no close Mormon friends, but I have known MANY over the years. I have worked with them and for them. I have socialized with dozens of these lovely misguided people and a few have even welcomed me into their homes.
With only one exception, none of them ever uttered so much as a word of unsolicited religious rhetoric. Not a one ever mentioned god – not even in passing or by accidental slip of the lip. My personal experience with LDS has led me to the conclusion that these benign folks separate their private lives from any church-assigned missionary fieldwork.
The one exception came from an admittedly concerned and well-intentioned coworker during a hospital visit when I was battling a serious illness. The extent of his commentary spanned one lone sentence offering “another option” to what my doctors were providing. He wanted me to know that his men’s prayer group was available to do the cliché “laying of hands” parlor trick to save my sorry ass. Now perhaps if it were the women’s prayer group and they promised a happy ending, but I digress.
From time to time a pair of wandering Mormon missionaries might come a-knockin’ on your front door, but they will always depart, and immediately so, with a smile and an apology for the intrusion. And never will you hear of your pending appointment with fire and brimstone.
At the end of the day all I can say about the LDS is this: For as nutty as their beliefs may be, I never met a Mormon I didn’t like.
[head-tilt palms-up shoulder-shrug]