Prudes Need Not Apply

I hate that I have to issue such disclaimers, but sexually uptight or repressed people are strongly encouraged to stop reading right now. I will most certainly offend your oh so delicate sensitivities.

Throughout this rant I will use depraved, perverse, degenerate, profane, and sexually explicit language. Don’t read any further and then have the temerity to email me to register a complaint. It’s too late for the others – but good god man, save yourself!

Natural Family Planning

If you’ve never heard the term, or if you have but don’t have a fucking clue what it means, “Natural Family Planning” (NFP) is the birth control method used by intellectually dishonest Christians. (Other forms of birth control are employed by hypocritical Christians. Know the difference.)

While there are many websites that explain it in detail, they all deliver the same fundamental message. Check out the uptight assholes as NFP and More and try to hold back the nausea while you read the Sex FAQ from the idiots at The Catholic Letter.

Take note of their repeated theme of knowledge and intent. They set the rules that dictate what is allowed, what is forbidden, and what may be excused in error or accident. Of course, this kind of hypocritical and duplicitous safety net bullshit is thoroughly consistent with the rest of their doctrine as man is judged based on his beliefs, not his actions. Anyway, this is key as it will be the failing of their own argument. (We’ll get back to this in a bit.)

Now I’ll break it down for you using the simplest language possible.

Fucking

Fucking is a physical act of intimacy reserved exclusively for one man and one woman strictly within the boundaries of their god-ordained marriage.

As for the mechanics of the act, fucking is when a man shoves his junk into his wife’s clam and bangs that shit until he squirts the T.W.P. (Tepid White Payload) directly into her stink hole without impediment. This may result in fertilization which Christians regard as the commencement of god-given of life.

This is where things start to get fun.

Let’s start with the obvious. Ultimately, NFP seeks to prevent pregnancy through what the church considers to be moral means. There is no intellectually honest way around this.

Proponents of NFP are quick to exclude artificial impediments, or that which prevent fertilization by blockage (e.g. condom, intrauterine device, vasectomy) or destruction (e.g. spermicide, “morning-after” pill). Okay, fine. Fair enough. These are most certainly artificial means. They’re also all thoroughly stupid objections – most of which may be ripped to shreds with one argument or another. But I’ll set them all aside in favor of the following NFP killer.

NFP douchebags then go on to define natural methods of impediment. This is where they start to get decidedly selective. There are only two, both of which involve spewing holy manchowda:

• Coitus Interrupus (a.k.a. “pulling out”)
• Calendar-Based Fucking (a.k.a. “the rhythm method”)

Separating the Wheat from the Bullshit

Cutting through all the requisite superfluous Christian double-talk, the rhythm method and NFP are essentially one and the same. Proponents of NFP argue that there are other aspects of the plan (and there are, such as breastfeeding to lengthen infertility durations), but as far as the act of fucking goes, they are wholly irrelevant. But Christians, being religiously insecure to perfection, are on the constant hunt for any lame obfuscation to detract scoffers from a valid argument. They kick and scream and spit and moan and blah blah blah and argue that NFP is not the rhythm method. Fuck you. Fundamentally, it is. The other aspects of the plan don’t change the essence of the plan. It’s time-based fucking that’s driven by an identified and monitored rhythm. The other aspects of the plan exist to identify and monitor those times when fucking will or will not result in fertilization. Period and end of story.

In short and to its very core, the rhythm method involves limiting your fucking proclivities to only those times during the month when your wife cannot (or will most likely not) conceive. The details of this timing are not terribly important, but they involve doing some simple calendar math, measuring body temperature, analyzing cooter leakage, and a few other tricks.

Flaw and Order: Criminal Intent

Okay, so let’s get back to the two fundamental options for “natural” pregnancy impediment: pulling out and the rhythm method.

Coitus interruptus doesn’t require any math or advanced physiological analysis like its NFP counterpart. All it involves is yanking the johnson from the stench trench before climax and blowing goo all over your wife’s stomach, tits, face, or the nice 600 thread count Laura Ashley sheets.

But the morons who set the rules of morality-based birth control do not regard both of these methods as equal or viable alternatives. Even though both methods involve squirting your salty man-mayo to the same theoretical result (i.e. no fertilization), pulling out is verboten because the life giving seed is not allowed to follow its “natural course.” It’s a violation of what these disingenuous a-holes refer to as “the natural use of sex.”

Take note that these cocksuckers are quick to shift their word choice from “procreation” (i.e. something that requires that “seed” they’re so preoccupied with) to “sex” (i.e. something that doesn’t required any seed) when they need a technical loophole to have their cake and eat it too. Know that there’s a very hypocritical reason for this. You see, the [making quote fingers] “natural use of sex” when you want to have a child is to spunk directly into the twat when the egg can be fertilized. But the “natural use of sex” when you want to get your rocks off just for the release it provides REQUIRES THE SAME FUCKING PHYSICAL ACT except an egg can’t or won’t be fertilized. Don’t think for one second that this is random word choice. They opt for “sex” over “procreation” because they want duplicity to govern the same physical action.

On a side note, the same logic applies to masturbation because (a) it’s not an act toward means of procreation, and (b) seed is spilled. Major problem though. The exact same thing applies to “wet dreams” which are not considered sinful because they are the manifestation of [what they deem to be] an “acceptable” natural process the purpose of which cannot be articulated. (Ssshhh. It can’t be articulated because there isn’t one.)

So let’s get this straight. You can’t fuck your wife (an act toward the means of procreation) and then pull out, or choke your chicken whilst fantasizing about Judy Bigjugs. Those are both sins. But you can dream about fucking Judy Bigjugs and spill your seed in your Spiderman PJs all because you didn’t tug on your dingus. Gotcha. Both involve lustful thoughts and spunking all over the fucking place, but as long as you’re just dreaming and not touching the fuckstick you’re in the clear. But if you think about it, this is all perfectly aligned with the primitive nature of Christian logic. You’re judged based on your beliefs (i.e. what you think) rather than your acts (i.e. what you spank).

Cheating God

The street sign reads: NO PARKING 8PM TO 6AM DAILY.

There’s no ambiguity. You know exactly when you can and can’t park there per the laws of the parking god. But you know that the vengeful parking meter angel has gone home for the day. You know that there’s little or no chance that you’ll get a ticket if you park there after 8PM, and so you do. You are willfully and with full knowledge breaking the spirit of the law for personal gain based on the technicality of circumstance.

If you can’t see and admit that this is cheating the system on every level, then you’re either intellectually dishonest or a fucking moron.

NFP is, by its very definition, cheating the system.

Be Froot Loops and Multiply

There are some nutbags out there who honestly believe that fucking is solely for procreation. For these idiots, NFP is verboten by its very own definition.

By definition NFP requires (a) KNOWLEDGE that your wife is not fertile, and (b) the INTENT to fuck without fertilization. This is clearly not fucking for procreation. In fact, by definition, it can’t be. This is fucking solely to get your rocks off.

Well, I’ve got some bad news for you. Some really bad news.

If you truly believe that fucking is for procreation only, you just limited your jammy-jam activities to only those times when you intend to have a child. This eliminates your authority to fuck your wife any time during which you know that she’s not fertile as well as when you don’t want to bring another child of god into this world. And ladies, the same holds true in reverse. Enjoy your sexual frustration.

Logic dictates that if you believe that fucking is for procreation only, you won’t be doing too much of it in life. You can’t fuck until you’re married or while you’re no longer married if you got divorced or are widowed. And while you’re married, you can’t fuck while you’re aware that your wife can’t conceive – which includes the nine months of each pregnancy and the remainder of her fucking life after menopause. And since you can afford to have only so many kids, you can expect what little time remains to suck pretty bad. Let’s not even mention the poor bastards who are infertile by nature or incident (e.g. trauma, chemotherapy, Lorena Bobbit).

But let’s face it. For as deluded as Christians are, they’re also as horny as the sane segment of society. The logic behind “fucking is for procreation only” [above] is dismissed by all because it’s patently stupid and necessarily requires a degree of abstinence that we as sexual beings cannot live up to. So let’s just stick with the logic behind NFP as the mechanism that allows Christians to fuck at will while protecting their thoroughly misguided morality about not spilling seed.

Why You’re Fucked

The official explanation as for why contraception, masturbation, or any other act that spills seed (e.g. oral sex to climax) is that the seed is not allowed to follow its “natural course.” You’ll hear this term used over and over again to establish a technical loophole to make forbidden any sex act that the church finds objectionable. Well, consider yourself fucked by your own logic.

Fucking while knowing that your wife cannot conceive is not allowing the seed to follow its natural course. In fact, it’s the exact opposite.

Everyone knows how the two essential male and female parts work. If we were designed by the Taco Supreme god with a purpose, then he gave us all the parts required to fulfill that purpose. What part of this is unclear to you?

Pay close attention.

The meat popsicle and squeeze box are REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS, and using those organs TO PROPEL SEED TO AN EGG TO CREATE LIFE is the natural course, you fucking child.

And you’re now fornicating with the explicit knowledge and intent to cheat that course.

Knowledge and intent, asshole. Knowledge and intent!

Semen and Semantics

One final comment on the intellectual dishonesty of NFP proponents.

They claim that NFP differs greatly from contraception because, according to action theory, NFP does not “break” the sexual act (separating the action from its purposes) in the way contraception does.

Do these jackasses really think they’re getting out of this on the technicality of movement? Fornicators have to “break” motion to put on a condom or pull the weasel out of the stench trench? What the fuckity fuck?

And tell me, what definition of the word “purposes” are you using? You’re certainly not fucking for the purpose of procreation the vast majority of the time. Moreover, the word itself is not altered because of a “break” in action.

Are NFP proponents required to finish the act of fucking once the weasel enters the cave? You mean to say that you don’t (and are not allowed to) stop in the middle of the act to hobble around the bedroom in the dark, screaming at the top of your lungs, all because you got a cramp? What, are you fucking stupid? Tell me, is pulling out to squirt on wifey’s feet any more or less a “break” in action than pulling out to take a crap or to run out of the house after it’s caught on fire? How about stopping to make a sandwich? Check your email? What if you want to flip her over and stick it back in – or even in another hole? Mmmmm? Every Christ-lover gets some pussy-to-mouth action now and again. Who the fuck exactly do you think you’re fooling with your abhorrently disingenuous rationalizations?

Your cognitive dissonance is shameful. Just accept and admit that you’re full of shit.
 

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