Disclaimer: This rant was penned in early 2009 – well before any of the Jonas boys were married or old enough to lawfully fuck without the fear of a 6×9 foot jail cell. And while we can’t know if any of the rumored sex stories are true to a moral certainty, a simple Google search will reveal that I’m likely still on the winning side of my wager.

Mock Rings

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the mind-numbingly stupid purity ring craze in which teens symbolically and publicly declare their promise to maintain pre-marriage chastity by the wearing of a ring, generally on their wedding ring finger.

From Wikipedia:

Purity rings (also known as chastity rings or abstinence rings) are worn as a sign of chastity. The practice originated in the United States in the 1990s among Christian-affiliated sexual abstinence groups. Wearing a purity ring is typically accompanied by a religious vow to practice abstinence until marriage.

The Jonas Boners

I grew tired and nauseous of the talentless and over-hyped Jonas Brothers long ago for a host of reasons, but the kind of preemptive hypocrisy they spewed during their pre-adult years tops the list.

In a recent interview with Barbara Walters, the brothers were asked about their purity rings and what they represent. (You can watch it on YouTube.) Much like those Jews who claim to “keep kosher” by their own convenient rules (eating what is forbidden on paper plates inside the home or anything they want outside the home), Joe Jonas gave Barbara a very carefully worded answer:

“For us it means that we’ll treat ladies with respect and I think just to be gentlemen and do our best to make our mom proud.”

Apparently, purity rings take on a whole new meaning when worn on a Jonas finger. You can bet your salvation that this was a canned response orchestrated by their publicist or agent.

They’re not stupid. They know those rings mean about as much as the hollow words behind them, and they won’t let anyone call them on it after the brothers start banging every hot chick in their path – if they already haven’t. I’m guessing that “treating ladies with respect” means to first ask if it’s okay to come on their face. I mean, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

I’m taking bets and giving odds (3:1). Shit, I’ll make it even easier for you. All three have to wait for marriage for me to win. Two of the three could have premarital fetish orgy sex with albino midgets and Russian amputees with Tourette’s syndrome on live streaming video and you’d still have a chance to win. Anyone who thinks otherwise is encouraged to put their money where their mouth is.

But know that I’m not in it for the money. All I care about are the bullshit hypocritical excuses we’ll hear from the brothers, their agent, publicist, and parents when all the dirt eventually gets out. And it will. It always does.
 

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