Keep Your Fucking Prayers to Yourself

Christians want prayer in public schools, but not for themselves. It’s a deliberate in-your-face initiative to shove their god crap down the throats of those who haven’t accepted Christ. Period. How do we know this? Because prayer for the sake of prayer provides ZERO advantage in school over anywhere else. However, there are several reasons why praying elsewhere does provide an advantage.

Students need to pray with other students in homeroom before first period?

Bullshit. And fuck you.

How about praying WITH YOUR OWN FAMILY in the morning before everyone leaves for the day? Advantage: “The family that prays together stays together” is your manta. Now you have an opportunity to live by it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t even think about offering your mindless excuses. There are none. Morning prayer takes 60 seconds, maybe less. (They know what you look like when you roll out of bed anyway.)

How about stopping by your church on the way to school? Advantage: IT’S A FUCKING CHURCH. Must I really explain this one to you? Not enough time, you say? Um, this is your god we’re talking about. If you’re so concerned about salvation and your place in eternity, then how about setting your god damn alarm clock 30 minutes earlier, you whiny bastard.

How about praying at the bus stop while waiting for a pickup? Or on the bus perhaps? Seems like there would be plenty of other students there with which to share your common beliefs. Advantage: There’s nothing better to do. Waiting for the bus is like watching flies fuck. At the very least it will provide a distraction during inclement weather.

How about praying outside the school? That’s where you’re all going anyway so you’re guaranteed to find others to pray with. Advantage: Unified crowd control. There are plenty of authority figures inside the school to monitor and control the crowd, but outside of the building it’s like Lord of the Flies. A unified prayer session would help the unruly mob control itself. They’d be up to no good anyway until the very last second when the bell commands them in.

But no. You see, that won’t do because outside won’t hold a captive audience. Too many distractions and external stimuli. This is why Christians want so desperately to get those prayer sessions inside the school.

Try Reading the God Damn Bible

Getting prayer in the classroom serves but one purpose, and it has absolutely nothing to do with satisfying a child’s need to connect with god. Period.

But if these bible-punchers actually took the time to listen to what the book really says they’d know that even Jesus was against prayer in school (or any public venue):

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites [are]: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. (Matthew 6:5)

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. (Matthew 6:6)

Relax, panicky Christians. I know that Jesus in this instance was speaking figuratively. I give no more credence to the possibility that he wanted people to actually walk into a closet and pray than I give to the literal divinity of feces when someone says “holy shit.” I’m neither ignorant nor disingenuous about this point and can grasp the often gray nature of figurative speech and the esoteric interpretation of bible lore.

But, yes, Matthew’s recount (for those who believe that Jesus actually uttered those words) is crystal clear in its implication that prayer is supposed to be a perfectly and completely private matter and not to be put on display. Closets? Who the hell cares about closets? It’s about praying within the privacy of some venue where it is not forced on those who don’t follow your religion, or within the privacy of your own house of worship where it is shared with those who do.

And take note that there are no footnote exceptions to the these words of St. Matthew. They are absolute. He never said that people should make a public display of their prayer only when A = B, else it should be done in secret. So by definition this would have to include organized and orchestrated prayer in schools, just to name one of many inappropriate displays of faith.

I find it funny how god becomes a poet (speaking figuratively, metaphorically, and allegorically) when Christian hypocrites don’t like what his words imply if taken literally, which is ironic because the bible is supposed to be the literal word of god. You see, Christians will simply not allow god’s word to forbid or impede them from cramming their grand fantasy bunk down everyone else’s throat.

However, their big bad sky daddy and his alleged son suddenly become so un-poetic when they need god’s word to be literal, definitive, and absolute for things like murder, abortion, homosexuality, adultery, etc., or anything else that seeks to control people or make them fearful. And they get to decide when and how the words apply. How wonderfully convenient.

Confess Your Agenda

People go to the supermarket to buy food and various other sundries. They go to the gas station to fuel their cars. They go to the doctor to get medical treatment and advice. They go to the auto mechanic to get their cars fixed. They go to school to learn chemistry, trigonometry, and English literature. And they go to church or temple to pray. Praying in school is like going to the auto mechanic to get medical advice. Sure, you could do it, but it’s not logically coherent. You could go to the hair salon and sit in the waiting area just to prepare your yearly tax return. It’s neither wrong nor bad nor immoral, but it doesn’t make any sense either. And I’d wager 10-to-1 you would never do it unless you were a kook. The same logic applies to prayer in public venues.

See the Christian argument for prayer in public schools exactly for what it is.

It’s a poor and misguided excuse for Christians to intentionally shove their beliefs in everyone’s face. And if you’re to argue that you’re required, as a Christian, to spread the word, make disciples of all nations, or whatever else you want to call it, know that you can be a dutiful Christian and do likewise without public prayer. In the exact same manner, you can sell diapers to the public without shitting your pants in the store that sells them just to show everyone how they work.

Now be an obedient Christian, get in your closet, and pray for some intellectual honesty.