Fucking With Nature

Anyone with even a passably functional brain knows not to fuck with nature. We have an embarrassment of riches proving that mankind’s meddling with nature is what got us into trouble in the first place. The forces of nature (and physics) are impersonal and indifferent to our needs and desires, and it’s more often than not likely to crush us like a bug if we attempt to stand in its way.

I’m not one bit ashamed to admit that I laugh my ass off every time some jackass tries to conquer a mountain and ends up becoming a part of it when an avalanche takes the him out. Hey, I’m all for a thrill, but tempting fate and the laws of gravity make any parachute jump a knee-slapping entertainment opportunity for the me. Gimme a front row seat and I’m a happy guy.

Show of hands. Who among you knew that “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin was eventfully going to eat dirt after fucking with one wild creature too many? We all knew it was just a matter of time, and I shed not a tear for the moron. Unabashedly I say he deserved it. And he should have known better. Shame on him for knowingly putting his family at risk.

Okay, enough of mountains, wildlife, and physics. Let’s get naked, baby!

Fucked By Nature

Attention people of the world. There’s a reason why you want to have sex. Without getting into a long and unimportant lecture about biology and sexuality (human or other), your sexual urges are there for a reason of paramount importance. Our two most basic human urges (which we just happen to share with every single living organism on the plant) are survival and reproduction. Kill or be killed, fuck or be fucked.

Killing is mostly bad (and sometimes fun!) but we’re here to talk about sex.

Yes, there are limits. Forced sex (rape) and sex with a minor are off limits. Period. But anyone who plans to remain (or claims to have remained) a virgin until they wed for religious reasons is either an idiot or a liar, take your pick. I will happily concede that my prior generation and those who lived before them played by a different set of societal rules. But they also wed much younger than people do today, and as Bob Dylan sang, the times they are a-changin’. Bottom line is that I didn’t walk in their shoes so I’ll exclude them from my commentary on the issue of human sexuality of the world in which I live today.

A Faux Revolution

Update: The hypocrite in question married in late 2010, so she’s now engaging in sexual acts (as she probably did before she wed) over the safety net of [rolling eyes and making huge air quotes] “holy matrimony.”

A few years ago I stumbled upon the cranks at I Am Worth the Wait Revolution (WTW for short) who advocate sexual purity until the god-sanctioned union of marriage.

While I’m sure the group doesn’t discriminate, it does appear to be marketed toward urban black youth, and that’s just fine with me. But black, white, yellow or green, something just ain’t right with this “revolution.” To me, for the majority of the group’s members, it’s probably an insincere facade.

WTW is headed by Lindsay Marsh, a chronic self-promoter who can’t go ten seconds without reminding you that she’s an MD (anesthesiologist), a CEO, a corporate president, a creative director, an author, an entrepreneur, a minister, and an alleged pre-marital virgin.

At first glance, her website appears to be a marketing tool to promote her organization and book, The Best Sex of My Life: A Guide to Purity. But once you dig a little deeper it becomes clear that it serves more as an ego-stroking, self-adulating photographic portfolio than anything else. Looks like Lindsay can’t decide if she wants to be an anesthesiologist or a pin-up girl.

Marsh (33 years old at the time of this writing) is quite beautiful and it does appear, for as much as one can discern from a photograph, that her followers are clean cut and respectable, but I’m not buying any of this abstinence crap. Not one little bit. My money says they’re abstinent when (and for as long as) it’s convenient.

Take a few minutes to peruse her site and count the number of ego-inflating glamour photos of the good doctor. All of them are dripping with sensuality. And don’t think for one second that she’d have it any other way. Take note of the motorcycle shot. The nerve of you, doctor. Who exactly do you think you’re kidding? You’re 33 years old. Get over yourself.

By the way, her website features a (revenue generating) Model Call. Be sure to read their eligibility requirements. Also take note of the year (2009), most likely the last time the page was updated. This should be a clear indicator of their success.

Idiot or Liar

If I were a betting man I’d wager that if called on any lies told, Marsh and her followers would claim to be “technically” pure. Take note that not all of these waiters claim to be virgins. Many claim to be abstinent. BIG fucking difference.

Technically, the Godless Bastard is abstinent because he’s not having sex at this very moment. He might get his swerve on in about 6 hours, but at the moment he’s “technically” abstinent. [wink wink] Got it?

And I’d wager big bucks that any of these [making sarcastic air quotes] “abstainers” will bail on the program if and when the need, desire, or opportunity arises and then claim to have fallen short of the glory of god. Bank on it. Hypocrites, all of them.

But the biggest flaw in their program is the one thing that they conveniently don’t address anywhere on their website. Nowhere do they define exactly what “sex” is. To any intellectually honest person, sex (in plain-speak) is defined as ANY act of pleasure that involves ANY primary or secondary sex organ. Any other definition is a rationalization to get off and remain technically “pure.”

I might even extend the definition to include any erogenous zone if tinkering with it brings the individual to the point of sexual arousal. Oh, and how about going solo? Yup. That’s sex too.

I’m sure you all remember Bill Clinton’s lame “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” loophole. Oral sex isn’t “sexual relations,” Mr. President? Since when? Well, the excuse didn’t work for him and it won’t work for the hypocrites at WTW either. They know nothing about human sexuality (and what defines it) that the rest of us don’t.

You’re an MD, Marsh. You know god damn well what is and what isn’t sex – just like we all do. And if you’ve engaged in a sex act then you’ve had sex. And if you’ve had sex then you’re no longer a virgin. Period. You’re not getting out of this on a technicality.

   
Dr. Marsh (above) demonstrates how 33 year old virgins pose for photo opps.

I find it particularly disturbing that a woman of science, someone who is supposed to know and understand how nature (not god) made us, can promote the suppression of a natural urge in favor of a silly fantasy and its inane rules. Such a dimwitted mindset gives new meaning to the term Board Certified. Yeah, she’s certifiable alright.

I Now Pronounce You Fornicator and Wife

Lindsay’s husband was not a virgin by admission, which prompted a delightful shitload of rationalizations.

From a Washington Post interview:

“But I never wanted to marry a virgin,” she says. “I wanted to marry somebody that would be a virgin in their heart toward me and toward God.”

In fact, she thinks that marrying Warren will make people more receptive to their message of “restoration and renewal – that regardless of your path, you can make the decision to wait today.”

“Although he’s not a virgin, it’ll almost be like he is on our wedding night because we haven’t had sex,” she adds. “So, you know – we’re looking forward to it.”

Was Lindsay a virgin before she married? I can’t possibly know to a moral certainty, but my money says no – whether it be to maintain some tortured definition of “technical” virginity or a straight-out bald-faced lie. And even if she really was a virgin, the jaw-dropping disparity between her claim of purity and her sexually-charged photographs earns her the well deserved title of duplicitous jackass.

The jackass may be reached here for feedback.

I’ll close with a related parody for horny boys and girls who long to remain pure for Christ.
 

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