First, my apologies in advance for this unconscionably and unreasonably long read. Invest the 15 minutes. Trust me on this.

Our Father Who Art in My Living Room

I never talk about it on my website, but you might not know that I’m an art collector.  Amongst my prized possessions are several pieces by one of the most prolific and sadistic serial killers in American history, John Wayne Gacy.

Gacy sodomized and murdered 33 young boys during his 6-year killing spree.  His crimes may sound harsh (and they are), but the sick fuck was also pretty handy with a paint brush. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on his work over the years and proudly display them in my home.  As an art lover, his work brings me great pleasure.  The evil that he did does not negate the joy that one may derive from his artistic creations.

We’ll get back to Gacy in just a bit.

Because Sometimes the Piranha Eat Each Other

Okay, here’s the deal.  For the next 15 minutes we’re neither friends nor godless comrades.  I’m gonna rip into many (but fortunately not most) atheists for a crime worthy of scorn.  You’ll hate me and curse me and maybe even de-friend my ass – but only because I’m right – and you’ll forgive me in the morning and we’ll be good old friends once again.

An Important Question For Atheists on Christmas

Every day on the walls of Facebook, I watch my fellow atheists, agnostics, anti-theists, and other freethinkers rail against the insanity and stupidity of religious beliefs as well as the trail of dumbification that it leaves in its wake.  They mock ridiculous beliefs and disgusting rituals, and laugh at seemingly intelligent people who believe that a god-son was born of a virgin, walked on water, healed the blind, raised himself (and others) from the dead, and bodily ascended to heaven.  They curse the Church for brainwashing impressionable and defenseless children into believing fear-based fantasy, teaching abstinence over responsibility and caution (all the while pervert priests diddle little boys), and denouncing condom use which would save thousands of lives in HIV-plagued sub-Saharan Africa.

The list of mock-worthy beliefs, rituals, practices, and observances would fill pages.  But the compelling factor and the very essence of this rant is that my fellow skeptics mock, criticize, and curse the perpetration of the aforementioned atrocities.  This is undeniable.  And this is key.  This is what you and I both do, and we do so with glee and abandon.  We’re in complete agreement.

Yet one fundamental question lingers in my mind.

If you are so truly repulsed by Christianity and believe (as with all religions and their observances) that it’s bad for (if not destructive to) society and harmful to our advancement as a species and our overall well-being, then Mary mother of fucking god, protector of all that is good and holy…

Why the Fuck Are You Celebrating Christmas?

As sure as I am that I’m right, I’m certain that all responses received will fall into one of two very narrow categories:

• Right on, you godless bastard!
• [some knee-jerk reaction to me trampling all over your dichotomous actions]

What troubles me most about the second category is how even rational people who have broken away from silly bronze-age mythology still cling to some aspect of the fairy tale.  It varies from person to person, but it would appear that most of the time it serves to provide some modicum of comfort.  This is why religion is so evil.  Even after the con is revealed it still manages to linger if only watered down.

Because You Know You’re a Hypocrite

As certain as I am that you won’t (and can’t) ignore my charge, you’ll snipe at me with your bullshit because I’ve called you out on your illogical behavior and hypocrisy, so pay close attention: If your knee-jerk response falls into any of the following numbered categories, don’t waste your time telling me. I’ve never understood why people do this. I name the excuse (e.g. family tradition), and then you tell me that you celebrate the holiday because it’s a family tradition. What, are you fucking high? Regardless, kicking and screaming as you will likely do is an act of self-incrimination. But please do let me know if your flavor of bullshit isn’t covered below because I’ve got plenty of time to add it to the list. For this I thank you in advance.

One last time, pay close attention you duplicitous toolbag: YOU ARE UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION TO JUSTIFY YOUR REASONS AND/OR PROVIDE SOME TORTURED BIT OF LOGIC AS RATIONALE. But feel free to knee-jerk with abandon. Or you could give my assertion no credence by simply ignoring me. But you won’t. And we both know why.

[...drum roll...]

Get ready folks for THE PARADE OF EX-CU-SES!

1.  “Christmas is a pagan holiday.  They stole it from us!”

Bullshit!

Pay close attention, you intellectually dishonest wank. The swastika is of ancient Hindu ORIGIN and is completely benign in its inception. In fact, it has been a symbol representing good luck for thousands of years. But who gives a flying fuck about its ORIGIN? The symbol as it is recognized TODAY is a repugnant sign of hatred.

Christmas is not, N-O-T not, a pagan holiday.  Yes, the concept was stolen from early pagans, but the holiday as it is observed TODAY is a Christian holiday.  What part of CHRISTmas do you not understand?  Its origins are completely inconsequential.  It is a Christian holiday that commemorates the birth of the savior of mankind.  Period and end of story.  And you know this.  Christmas is at the VERY FUCKING CORE of the religion that you rail against.  Without Christmas there is no Christ.  Without Christ there is no Christianity.

Please stop playing the “pagan holiday” card because it’s wholly untrue and thoroughly disingenuous.  And don’t argue that you’re celebrating the pagan aspect of the season.  That’s a fucking Christmas tree in your living room – not to mention the stockings over the fireplace and that insipid Feliz Navidad song playing on the stereo.

Atheists commemorating the season as a holiday in an attempt to hijack it from Christians is as stupid as it is pointless. One moron last year chimed in with following disingenuous rationalization: “Let’s take it back and do it better!” What, are you people fucking stupid? Take it back from them? Do it better? What color is the sky in your world? Do you really believe that you’re actually going to change anything by putting a tree in your living room with Charles Darwin ornaments hanging from it? Yeah, sure. Let’s all get on board with this plan and we’ll get Christmas back in a few hundred years.

First, not every atheist is a former Christian and as such they don’t want the holiday back. (They never had it in the first place.) But it wouldn’t happen in 1000 years even if they did. Get a clue. Christians neither know nor care how atheists celebrate or distort the holiday. But even if they did, all you’d be doing is emboldening them to protect what is theirs (and yes, it is theirs), plus you’d be perpetrating all that is wrong with religion AND the holiday. Why don’t you shoot yourself in the other foot too?

Next…

2. “It’s not about Christmas.  It’s just a festive time of the year.”

Bullshit!

What is so decidedly festive about late December?  Is it the snow?  Um, nope.  Can’t be.  Go ask the folks who live in the southern hemisphere.  (They’re on the beach catching some rays and riding the surf on Christmas day.)  Regardless, you don’t need a tree with blinky lights and ornaments with neatly wrapped gifts below it for a festive celebration.  But for the sake of the argument, why not do all this in July?  Do it.  I dare you.  But you won’t.  And you won’t because to you it is about Christmas, and Christmas is in December.  So drop the “festive time of the year” excuse.  There’s nothing special about December.  It’s just another month on the calendar.  I’ll remind you of this when summer rolls along and you fire up the BBQ.  The rest is a matter of disingenuous rationalization.

And if you’re inclined to play the Solstice card, I’ll refer you back to point #1.

Next…

3. “I love all the _________ .”

Bullshit!

You love the food, the festive colors, the trees, the lights, the music, the giving and receiving, blah, blah, fucking blah.

Name me one thing that you enjoy during Christmas that you can’t enjoy any other day of the god damn year if you want it.  Just one. Hmmm?  Go ahead.

What?  You want a wreath?  A big red bow?  Tell me.  I guarantee there’s nothing Christmas-y that you can’t get 365 days a year.  I’ll mail you a fruitcake on me if you can’t find one.

And I know you’re dying to play the “weather” card, but you can’t, can you?  The world’s a pretty big place, and the weather you get during Christmas is wholly dependent upon where you are at the time – not the date on the calendar.  You love the snow?  Well, that’s only because you don’t live in Miami or Los Angeles.  And if you lived in Sydney, you’d be sweating your ass off because December is summer in the southern hemisphere.  Seriously, imagine living in Honolulu and saying, “I look forward to Christmas because of the weather.”  I mean, why?  Because of all that Hawaiian snow you get in June?  Now imagine living in Chicago and saying, “I look forward to February because of the weather.”  Puh-lease, you lying sack of shit.

You want cold?  You want snow?  Well, if you live in that climate, you’re going to get it anyway – and it’s going to linger loooong after the holiday passes.  You’ll have plenty of it to enjoy for the next 3 to 4 months, so spare me the disingenuous weather tie-in to Christmas.

Next…

4. “We do it for the kids.”

Bullshit!

As a parent, you’ll be challenged to protect your children from falling victim to drugs, alcohol, unsafe sex, teen pregnancy, poor grades, hanging out with the wrong crowd, texting while driving, and charging $19.99 per month to mommy’s credit card for a porn website subscription.  If the toughest thing you have to deal with is having to explain one nutty religious observance and Hallmark holiday consumerism to your kids, then quit your fucking complaining and consider yourself lucky.

“Kids, Christmas is a stupid fucking holiday that only religiously deluded people celebrate.  We’re not religiously deluded people, so we don’t celebrate Christmas.”  [Feel free to choose your own words, but I highly recommend lots of swearing and defamatory labels for emphasis.  Kids relate to that shit.]

I’m absolutely certain that you would have no problem explaining this to your children because you would otherwise have no problem explaining why you don’t celebrate Chanukah, Rosh Hashanah, Purim, Ramadan, Diwali, Durga Puja, or any of the HUNDREDS of festive religious holidays on the calendar.

Your “for the kids” tripe is decidedly selective.  You don’t celebrate Chanukah because you’re not Jewish, you say?  Or Diwali because you’re not Hindu?  Well, with all your mocking and denouncing of Christianity you certainly can’t claim to be Christian.

Your kids are smart, they’ll understand, and they’ll find a way to survive the horror of Santa not coming to the house anymore.  As for the gifts they’ll feel cheated out of, see point #5.

Next…

5. “It’s a tradition.”

Oh fuck, here we go.  The “tradition” card – the last refuge of a person with no valid argument to support their position.

Bullshit!

Listen up.  Slavery was a tradition.  So was gassing Jews and throwing them into ovens.  There was a lovely societal tradition you may have read about: WOMEN WERE FUCKING PROPERTY, much like cattle.  (How do you feel about THAT, ladies?  Just something to chew on while wrapping those gifts and decorating the tree for that lovely holiday “tradition.”)  I have a list of about a hundred or so other traditions that you’d be more than happy to reject for a multitude of reasons.

Just because something is or was a tradition doesn’t speak to its worthiness or validity.  It’s a bullshit excuse, and you know it.  How about this?  Find a new fucking family tradition.  Frank Costanza had Festivus.  I’m sure you’re smart enough to figure something out that will satisfy your family.  Tell the kids to relax.  They’ll still get their over-priced gifts – you know, the ones you can’t afford as well as the ones they’ll break in a week.  And if a tree is really that important to you, fine.  Come up with something unique that doesn’t involve tinsel and dangling tchotchkes.

An alternate smearing of this feces smells something like, “Christmas is now woven into the fabric of our society.” Blah, blah, blah. Same thing. You’re claiming tradition. Regardless, this still doesn’t rationalize your hypocrisy as atheist who mocks a specific religion in one breath yet celebrates the holiday that’s at its very core in the next.

Next…

6. “I love spending this time with friends and family.”

Oh, fuck you. You can spend time with your friends and family any god damn time you want, especially if they’re local. And no, no, no, Skippy. Not so quick. Don’t even think about saying it: If they live far away, then seeing them any other time of the year would be MUCH cheaper and FAR less of a hassle – not to mention the fact that the weather would likely be kinder for travel and nicer in which to enjoy their company. Wake up and smell the horseshit you’re shoveling.

Regardless, I find this excuse to be particularly disingenuous because SPENDING TIME WITH FAMILY has absolutely nothing to do with CELEBRATING A RELIGIUOUS FUCKING HOLIDAY. Seriously, are you in tune with your profound dishonesty? Spend all the time with your family that your little heart desires, but don’t use that as a some rationale for the celebration of a religious holiday.

Equally false is the mind numbingly stupid excuse of profession. It goes something like this: “I’m a teacher and we’re forced to take time off during the Christmas break, so it’s an opportune time to spend with family.” I’m sorry. What exactly does this have to do with an atheist celebrating a religious holiday? You’re an idiot.

Next…

7. “It seems to make a lot of people happy.”

So do sex and drugs and rock and roll and art and food and sports and cute little puppy dogs. And all of these things are readily available year round and are especially comforting when the days are short and the weather is crappy. But nice try.

Next…

8. “It brings back fond childhood memories.”

Ah yes. Childhood memories – like not having to work for a living and jerking off 5 times a day. I have many cherished childhood memories too, and one less isn’t going to destroy the foundation and recollection of a wonderful childhood. Grow up and get over it. Besides, I don’t believe you. Alternate lies and distortions of this excuse come in the form of “It reminds me of…” and “It brings me closer to…” They’re all different flavors of the same bullshit.

[whispering] Pssst! Santa isn’t real.

Next…

9. It’s good for the economy [retail industry].

Okay, this one really pisses me off. This is the most pathetic of excuses and you know damn well that it has NOTHING to do with why you’re buying gifts. You’re not that philanthropic to the economy anyway.

You’re going to spend all of your discretionary cash (and then some) with or without another gift-giving Hallmark holiday. Less spent on Christmas crap means more spent on other stuff throughout the year, and you’d be spending that money on YOURSELF instead of that cheap prick who gave you a $4 bottle of wine 3 years in a row. Also, quite to the contrary, spreading all those expenditures (on other stuff for yourself) over the course of the year leads to a MUCH healthier economy than dumping it all in 30 days – not to mention the last 30 days of the year. Plus, people tend to spend more wisely over time than while in a culturally forced spending spree which invariably makes people who can afford the least spend the most. These kinds of purchases are FAR more likely to nudge (if not push) people into unpaid credit card balances, most often at obscene interest rates.

Look, I’m all for a sweet deal.  If you need stuff for yourself and the time is right to buy, then by all means do so.  (I do find special ironic delight in that the primary architects of the con are all of the Jewish retailers.)

Next…

10. “I can do whatever the fuck I want. / Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can or can’t do? / I don’t have to fucking explain myself to you.”

Yes, you most certainly can. / Your reading comprehension sucks. / I told you at the very outset that you are under no obligation.

I neither said nor implied any such thing. In fact, I went out of my way to make this crystal clear. (Go back and see for yourself.) Clearly, I pushed a button and you self-incriminated your hypocrisy. You should have just ignored me, but you didn’t – and we both know why. Just accept it.

Next…

11. “I married into the faith [someone who follows the custom].”

Ugh.  Fuck me.  You found a technical loophole.  Okay, I’ll let you off the hook – but only because I can’t expect you to undermine your spouse.

12. “I’ll look like Scrooge [an asshole] if I don’t.”

Yeah, and you joined in on the gang rape because you didn’t want the guys to think you’re gay. Go fuck yourself. Even you don’t believe this nonsense.

13. You defecate some general obfuscation that has nothing to do with a non-believer celebrating a religious holiday, like “Being an atheist just means that I don’t believe in any gods. It has nothing to do with the holidays.”

I dismiss this tripe summarily because you have refused to answer what is a very simple question. And yes, it does have to do with RELIGIOUS holidays.  Like I asked before, why don’t you celebrate Rosh Hashanah, Purim, Diwali, Durga Puja, or any of the HUNDREDS of festive religious holidays on the calendar?  I think it’s sad that you can’t even admit it to yourself.

Contributory Negligence

Okay, so enough of your pathetic excuses. It’s time to expose how your hypocrisy contributes (albeit in a miniscule way) to the over-commercialization of the holiday. In all fairness, Christians carry the motherload of blame.

Do you find it morally objectionable that Christians argue that you’re born into sin and are worthy of hell right out of the womb?  And that the only way out your sinful mess is through salvation through Jesus Christ?  Per their doctrine, you are forced into a game that you didn’t ask to play.  God had a plan for you, and daddy fucking mommy was just part of it.  But now you’re here and you’re on the hook for a critical life decision.  Submit to the baby Jesus or burn forever.  You have no option to not play the game, and you and I both know this makes your blood boil.  Well, people who don’t celebrate Christmas are forced into a month-long assfuck that YOU are perpetrating.  I didn’t ask for this.  NO ONE who doesn’t celebrate the holiday asked for this.

I don’t celebrate Christmas, yet a shitload of (admittedly well-intentioned) people are giving me gifts that I don’t want and that I didn’t ask for, and now I’m on the hook to reciprocate.  You invite me over for a cup of egg nog and now I gotta show up with an armful of gifts for you and your 6 kids on the outside chance you have something waiting for me?  And Secret Santa?  What, are you fucking people 8 years old?  What kind of dumb-ass office nonsense is this?  Knock that shit off.  I hope Secret Santa gets prostate cancer and dies a slow lingering death.

And shame on you for contributing to the nightmare in the stores and malls.  I need to buy myself something ordinary, you know, the kind of stuff you buy for yourself on any other day of the year, and I end up driving around a jam-packed parking lot for 30 fucking minutes looking for a spot.  And then I burn two fucking hours trying to buy some god damn underwear, running from store to store because they’re all sold out because YOU thought it was a good idea to buy them for uncle Freddie.  Just for the record, feel free to compensate me with Calvin Klein low-rise trunks (which make the Bastard’s ass look so sweet ladies), size medium, any color, as a gratuity for all the entertainment.

Someone once told me “to have a conversation” with whomever is giving me gifts to resolve this issue.  Pardon me, but that shouldn’t be my burden – and it makes me look like the bad guy.  “Gee, thanks for the gift.  I’ve got nothing for you.  Please don’t embarrass me again like this next year.” Have a conversation? Um, no. Wrong. It’s not my problem to correct. I didn’t ask to play this gift exchange game.  Assume the same for everyone, and the onus is on YOU to figure it out otherwise.

Now for me it’s not about the money.  I’ve got plenty of discretionary cash.  It’s the principle and the ensuing mayhem that makes my left eye twitch.  But do consider that (especially in a challenged economy) some people can’t afford to reciprocate.  You’re putting them in an awkward and embarrassing position. Shame on you for perpetuating the insanity, forcing it upon the rest of us, and being part of the god damn problem.

“Giftmas” My Ass

To the disingenuous hypocrites who try to play the “Giftmas” card…

I was raised Jewish, and Rosh Hashanah (the festive Jewish New Year holiday) was no less special to me as Christmas was to you as a child. But I’m an atheist now and I reject Judaism in totality as you reject Christianity. How mind-numbingly stupid would it be for me to celebrate “Hasharoni” for the same reasons that you conjure up for celebrating Giftmas? Change the name if it will make you feel better about it, but if you have a tree and lights and gifts on or around December 25, then you’re celebrating Christmas. Period. So let’s knock off this disingenuous semantics crap.

Maybe my expectations are unreasonable, but I expect atheists to be more rational and logical (and less hypocritical) than those who are consumed by a religious delusion, and celebrating a holiday of a religion that you reject in totality is not only illogical, but it’s also hypocritical. You can change its name to Giftmas and commercialize it until it’s unrecognizable, but it’s still a religious holiday. Period.

Admit You’re Full of Shit

For those who insist on going down swinging…

If you’re still inclined to argue that you can detach yourself from the religion and still embrace the holiday that’s at its very core, I offer my final commentary: I’ll be decorating my home with Nazi memorabilia next holiday season. No, no, no. I won’t be embracing Hitler’s hatred of the Jews. The man and his ideology were pure evil. No, I’ll be celebrating order, efficiency, loyalty, and pride. I can separate the two – just as you appear to do so easily for Christianity and Christmas. If Christmas can be Giftmas, the Nazi can be YAHTZEE! Who wants to play?  (You will conveniently forget your disdain for THIS hypocrisy when you vomit forth your response.)

And as for John Wayne Gacy’s artwork, that was all a big fat lie.  Aside from the fact that I have zero artistic ability or any knowledge of art, only a sick fuck would derive even a morsel of pleasure, especially celebratory pleasure, from the byproduct of someone (or something) they find so repugnant – as I’m certain you were thinking as you read my opening paragraph.  (Admit it, you were, and you will conveniently forget this one too.)  In this instance, as with Christmas and the atheist, the baby gets thrown out with the bathwater.

Self Incriminate With Feedback

Option 1:
Celebrating Christmas when you don’t believe (and rationalizing it with any of the aforementioned) is no different than wearing a crucifix when you don’t believe and explaining it away as a good  luck charm or because you just like wearing gold. Just admit that you’re a hypocrite who wants to have their cake and eat it too. It’s not like everyone doesn’t know you’re full of shit, and no one believes the inane rationalizations you spew. Just own it.

Option 2 (Preferred):
Prove that I struck a nerve that caused your dizzying spell of confusion – so much so that you self-incriminate with an excuse that I already listed above. I still don’t understand why people insist on telling me what I just told them. I already debunked your excuse. Repeating it and standing firm doesn’t change anything or negate my words. Or you can try to manufacture a new excuse that I somehow missed…which I’ll just add to the list for next year.

Option 3:
Copy and paste the following into an email and click Send –> Go fuck yourself!

Or just click here if you’re really lazy.

I’m all about making your life easier and want to save you the effort of having to type your patently bullshit response. Believe me, I completely understand. I’d probably do the same if called out for being a hypocrite.

You’ll all forgive me in the morning anyway.

A Little Reasonable Slack

Getting sucked into family crap like Christmas dinners and gift exchanges or company Christmas parties or anything like that, fairly, isn’t “celebrating the holiday.”  Biting your lip and caving to family, social, and professional influences are the things you just have to do from time to time to keep the peace.  But there’s a big difference between going along with the crowd to keep the peace and conducting your own holiday celebration by lighting up your home up like a French whorehouse.  And no, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying that time with family and friends.  I’m just saying that you don’t need a decorated tree with blinky lights and gift exchanges in December to have all that.  There are plenty of other the days in year to fulfill that need.

One last time. You could give my assertion no credence by simply ignoring me. But you won’t. And we both know why.

I’m done with you. [dusting off hands]